archived entries: q1 2026 oct/nov/dec '25 september '25 august '25 july '25
it's been rough. the days go by slowly, but at the same time i can't believe another week is about to end. i only get some help from my mom and hardly any from my sister, so it's mostly just my grandpa and i. i can't even leave the house to get groceries or run errands since it takes me a lot longer to do things on public transit.
my mom had to use her lunch yesterday to drop us off at the hospital to get my grandpa's staples taken out. my grandpa has (understandably) been in a grumpy mood, and it puts a damper on us too. i told my mom i didn't really feel like i get to live my life anymore and she snapped and yelled at me to move out then if i'm so unhappy, as if it were that easy. it ruined my whole day and i spent the rest of it crying on and off.
really, it was my fault. i learned from an early age that it's not safe to be vulnerable with my mom and that she won't comfort me. always be alert and pay attention when she's there. you have to be responsive, but don't give her too much information or it can be used against you. and don't be too sullen or you'll be told to stop feeling sorry for yourself. i got an apology later on like usual, but it didn't make me feel any better.
it's the same exact pattern, unchanged from when i was a kid. my mom's always had a reputation for saying things out of turn. to this day, i'm still haunted by her saying grandma wasn't going to heaven when she was about to go into hospice. it's not that i'm not grateful for my mom's help, it just seems like i can't make my peace with her after all.
when i look back on it though, i realize there were some good things that came out of yesterday. first: my main site has been relaunched! i missed being online so much. i tirelessly worked for a week to revamp everything. i didn't put THAT much effort into updating everything since i was starting to lose steam, but i'm just so happy it's back up. then, i watched the basketball game with mi gansita! i've been watching the playoffs this season and it really brought back good memories of watching it with my grandpa. i started watching them at a bar with a different friend, but i couldn't leave last night, so we watched it together and finally got to chat about life and it was so much fun.
oh yeah, my bf has a car finally... his sister had an accident in their dad's mercedes because she wasn't paying attention and the lights took 3k to fix... he was pissed and as punishment, his sister nor my bf can no longer use the car. they desperately needed one. do you know how hard it is to only have two cars for a household of 6? plus me needing rides on occasion? he came back from the dealership late, with bojangles since it just opened up here and it was pretty good.
what else... oh, i have such rotten luck. xavier's myth is rerunning now and i was only a couple of pulls away from the crate, so i thought i could r1 him. how wrong i was! all of my remaining diamonds depleted, and i was left with... a duplicate of a standard xavier card. it felt like a cruel joke. no wonder people ragequit, you can save your diamonds in this game for months only for them to all be sucked away on just a single banner. just awful.
i'm already exhausted... my grandpa got discharged from the hospital last week and it's been rough. he's weak from being in bed for over a week, and he needs antibiotic transfusions twice a day for a month. i already didn't go out much, but now i'm really tethered to being home since someone always needs to be here for him. he had a fall yesterday and that was terrifying. he's ok, i think he just doesn't realize how much rehabilitation his body needs. it must be so frustrating.
i feel lonely and depressed a lot of the time, being stuck here and not even able to ride my bike freely... my mom comes over daily to help which i appreciate, but she's too afraid to do the transfusions so i do them with her assistance. i find myself wishing my sister hadn't left us to live with her boyfriend, but at least she stayed with grandpa almost every night when he was in the hospital. i try to tell myself to take it one day at a time, and that it could always be worse. as is, i'm thankful my grandpa can still use the restroom and dress himself on his own.
oh yeah, i finished reading nana! i enjoyed it a lot, and i accept that we will probably never get a conclusion. i definitely still think it's worth reading and the art is gorgeous. i want to read ai yazawa's other works too, especially gokinjo monogatari! i already long read parakiss, that was actually something i read right out of high school. i really warmed up to shin, he is sooo cute. i still love misato and yasu too.
i hate mother's day, and i hate may. i wish i had never been born, but dying is too much work so i'll just try my best to find enjoyment and happiness in the smallest places, wherever i can pluck it from. like that rain lily from the other day, their fragrance is so calming and nostalgic.
my grandpa has been in the hospital for a week now. i don't know how it happened, but he developed meningitis from his head surgery. i'll spare you all the little details. it's been an incredibly hard and traumatic past seven days for not just my grandpa and i, but all of my family. the good news is that my grandpa is improving and is already talking and walking again. i'm still uneasy about everything, but i'm just grateful he's still here with us. we're all ready for him to home come soon, and i also hope i can give him the care he needs.
hachiware and chiikawa's birthday was on the 1st! i bought them both a slice of cake and sang to them at midnight. it's ridiculous the amount of joy chiikawa has brought me. i've been a fan of nagano ever since i discovered those joke bear line stickers, so chiikawa blowing up is something that makes me really happy. these little creatures never fail to make me smile and ease my heart. i'm excited for the movie!
i've been working a lot on my main site too! the revamped homepage is almost done, and i'm very pleased with it. i still need to update, well... pretty much every page on my site, but i'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself. my goal is to officially reopen again on the 24th with 20 of my original pages. it doesn't need to be completed or perfect, just at least functional so it can grow from there. i can't believe how fast may is going by already...
in other good news, my bike got fixed! it got another flat around the time my grandpa started having his health issues. my mom's husband fixed it up so nicely for me. he is a man of questionable politics, but i will say i've been very grateful for his help this year. i already rode it a couple of times and went on a perilous journey to the trail close to my house. man, what a difference even 5 minutes away by car is! i lived just two streets away from where i am now for 7 years, so i'm used to it... but i really did not miss the severe lack of sidewalks, men who constantly catcall me when i'm commuting or cycling, or aggressive loose dogs everywhere. to reach the trail close by my house, i have to cross the train tracks too which really sucks. it is what it is, right? i'm just glad i can ride again. i felt a part of my soul returning, just like part of my soul also came back when i finally got to work on my dreamland again.
i can't sleep. my grandpa started running a fever today, so i've been fretting over him. all i can do is my best to care for him and keep a watchful eye while he rests. it's a low grade one at least, so i hope it breaks soon... i actually got invited to a concert tonight but i'm glad i ended up deciding not to go since i could tell something was wrong as soon as i got home from work.
i'm really struggling again lately, both mentally and physically. i'm grateful to everyone who has checked up on me or given me kind words while i work through everything. it's silly, but i think about this quote a lot and it helps a bit. i burst into tears again remembering it.
i survived another party week. usually i at least go to see the parade, but i didn't feel like it this year... i didn't want to deal with the noise and the crowds. everything is so expensive too, why bother to go to the fair or the carnival either? i've done it all already, and it's the same thing every year. admittedly, i am craving a funnel cake and a turkey leg, but i'm sure i can get them another time. it was nice to get friday and saturday off thanks to the festivities limiting our working hours though, heh.
on saturday, i went to a lolita meet for the first time since the valentine's day tea party! we had a little movie party to watch nana. it was so hot and muggy that day that i actually ended up changing my outfit plans last minute, but i regret it and wish i had went with my first choice. i originally wanted to wear meta's telephone with my new black rider jacket and my moto boots, but i was worried i would burn up wearing long sleeves and a petticoat, so i switched to a breezier sailor ensemble. still wore those moto boots though! i love them, and they make me sound like a horse when i walk which is probably my favorite feature.
wasn't the decor so adorable?? there was even a takumi piñata to beat up after the movie. admittedly, i had never read nana! for a while i had a rule that i didn't want to read any series that was incomplete, and nana infamously left off on a cliffhanger and will probably never be finished. better late than never! i finished 5 volumes before the meet which ended up being exactly the amount of story the movie covered, so it was perfect! my favorite characters so far are yasu and misato... ren is also nice eye candy, heheh. i know i'm in for a lot of pain as i continue, so i'll tread with caution.
after i came back home after the movie, i browsed the vivienne westwood site dreaming about my first piece... owning anything from them is still a pipe dream for me, but i would really love some jewelry, a nice bag, and my dream item are the red melissa rhs. i wonder if there's a good place online to buy genuine secondhand vw? i guess i could try mercari, but i haven't imported anything at all since the bs tariffs began. it still shocks me to see everyone swallowing the extra fees so easily, i just can't afford to do that at all.
i made a mascot/sona to represent me! i love making mascot characters... i love how much thought you have to put into their designs even though they're seemingly so simple. when a character is simple like that, you have to really concentrate on their proportions because even a small mistake can make them look off-model. i also like seeing the evolution of characters throughout their lifespan! even chiikawa went through a design evolution even if it's a slight one. anyway, i really love the way my sona came out! i never felt like i successfully made a sona until now. i knew i couldn't make her face overly cutesy, but i still wanted her to be cute. she's cake on the inside! half strawberry shortcake, and half banana cream cake. take a slice if you like, it grows back.
i thought i worked early today, but i actually have the closing shift. i'm not in a hurry to go back to work, so i'll take it even though i hate closing and the dreaded clopening i always seem to be scheduled for whenever it's time for me to close. whatever, at least it means i can make a late night/early morning blog right now! i've been wanting to update but my weekend was busy. i think yesterday was my first day off where i actually did nothing for the most part and got to rest at home, especially with this weather. sometimes in april we get some freak cold weather, usually thanks to some heavy rainfall like we've been having. i'm grateful to get to wear long sleeves again one last time before i burn up and drown in my own sweat for 6 months straight.
my grandpa was discharged from the hospital just last week, right before the weekend. my poor grandpa... if they had just taken care of things properly the first time, none of this would have ever happened and my grandpa wouldn't have had to go through all of this again. it's done now, and i pray that this is it and my grandpa can finally fully recover now. we're all just glad he's home and taking it easy. i missed him so much.
on saturday, i went to a karaoke birthday party for my friend! because of the deadly combo of moving and my grandpa's health crisis, i hadn't seen everyone in weeks. let me tell you, friend time was very much needed. i think it was my first time wearing makeup in a month too, hahaha. i didn't feel up to dressing up in lolita but it seems like most of us were on the same wavelength anyway. i even caught one of my friends on her way to the party too on my bus ride over!! that was so nice since i always get nervous heading to new location via public transit. oh, the food at this place was crazy good!! i'm drooling... i want more pork bbq skewers and kwek-kwek please.
even though i was a karaoke birthday party, i feel like we actually didn't get to sing that much? 3 hours is not a long time at all with such a big group! it flew by in a flash. i only got to sing one song, pajama parties no uta which feels so much longer when you're singing it! there were plenty of songs i wanted to sing, but everyone always picks such upbeat party songs and usually the songs i want to sing are more somber... i didn't want to be a vibe killer hahaha. that's ok, i actually decided next month i'll do karaoke again for myself and sing anything and everything i want!
saturday was also sylus' birthday! i was so busy i forgot to get him his own cake! i hope he will forgive me... i did share some cake with him at the karaoke party and then he went dancing with me at the club afterwards! both he and travis were clipped to my cardigan because you know i always have that thang on me. i love how our group overtook the dance floor... this particular club has a shop and every time i go in, it makes me think about how i need to listen to more music!! i love postpunk, dark wave, and new wave, but i only know the more common bands everyone knows, and a few newer ones. it's so frustrating thinking about all the amazing music out there i could be missing out on right now, and not just those genres! i love music!!
finally, my show! i haven't been able to vend for sheesh, since labor day weekend... not only are cons harder to get into now, but not having my own car means i'm very limited on which shows i can sell at too. i hate the car dependency in this country so much, but that's a topic i don't want to get into. it was a small show by my friend's new organization. with this being their first show, the weather, the economy, and other things going on this weekend, i kept my expectations low and had a simple goal. i was only one dollar short of my goal, so i'm gonna call it a success all things considering! i don't think my friend was fully happy with how the show turned out, but we all have to start somewhere right? he invited me to another show next month, but i think my manager is going out of town that weekend unfortunately. after the show we got dessert at this wonderful bakery i recently rediscovered, picked up some jollibee, and marveled at the smiling friends cookies i bought at the show!
before the show, i had to also buy a bunch of supplies that i needed in general. i tried a new paper for my stickers, which i hoped would be much higher quality since i'm not happy with the current material i use for my homemade ones. unfortunately, this paper still has some issues... i guess i really do need to add in the step of laminating all of my stickers. the gloss on this new paper is beautiful, but i'm finding the stickers still get dirty and scuffed when actually in use, though not nearly as much as my regular matte paper. i can't afford to manufacture all of my stickers professionally, so i have to experiment and figure this out before i can begin moving to an independent online store. i did already want to invest in a laminator, i'm just bummed that i'll probably have to add in a step to my sticker making process, and in turn that will make the stickers more expensive too.
oh yes, i celebrated travis' birthday recently!! he doesn't have a canon one. suda is so funny, he said "i'll ask next time i see him" when he was asked to give a birthday date. normally you'd pick a game anniversary, and it would have been cute since most of the anniversaries are near suda's birthday, but i didn't think capricorn or aquarius suited his sun sign! i picked out an aries for his sun sign, and the date is ichi (1) go (5) for strawberry of course, but also suda's name backwards, goichi. i put a lot of thought into it... i'm a little embarrassed, but it makes me really happy. i had to work that day, so before work i set up a quick photoshoot with handmade paper crowns and shared the cakes while we watched an episode of pushing daisies together. i've really been enjoying it!! it's such a cool concept, and admittedly lee pace is cute... i love his character's adorably awkward personality and way of dress.
everyone is having so much fun with tomodachi life... for some reason i thought it was a switch 2 exclusive, but it's not! i decided i'm going to buy it as a present to myself for cleaning and organizing my room, lmfao. as much as i want to buy it now, i absolutely cannot repeat what happened during the last move and never end up fully decorating even after a year, especially now that my room is finally big enough to hold all my junk. it'll give me the motivation i need!! i want to yoom!!
i'm also thinking of giving myself a date to open my main site back up by... my original plan was by may 1st, but we all know how that's been working out so far with all the chaos hahaha. maybe my birthday would be a better date?? i know i can work at my own pace and that's the beauty of being off of nc where all of your updates are put on blast, but i think i work best when i have at least a soft goal to work towards. i want my homepage back already!!
my grandpa just had another procedure... one side of his head swelled and was causing complications, so he had to go back to the hospital. it turns out there was a certain blood vessel they wanted to take care of the first time, but they wanted to wait for him to fully recover before zapping it. it's a problem now, so they're going to prioritize it right away as soon as he gets discharged. i've been so stressed and worried that it caused me to have some gi issues, but i'm feeling alright today.
i actually have my first show of the year next week too! it's my friend's new event organization group so i said yes without hesitating, but now i'm wondering if i should even bother... i already paid the fee, but i still have a couple of days to cancel and get a refund. i don't know. i really miss selling my art at events, and i just got waitlisted from a local con for the 3rd year in a row. i think i'm mostly hesitating because it's an outdoor event lol, and i'm not too fond of those. i've had so much on my mind lately... mostly negative thoughts i don't think i should really blast here. what's another existential crisis, or 20? it's routine at this point. i think it gets worse as i age since i don't have much to show for my years of being on this earth.
in good news, i obtained a dream item! it's the milk cat headband from angelic pretty. isn't it so cute?? i want to wear it out as soon as i can... because of the pure chaos happening in my life these past couple of months, i've had to skip out on quite a few lolita meets and hangouts with my friends now. i haven't worn lolita in... gosh, i think since valentine's day. 2 months without dressing up is way too long for me!
there's so much more i could write, but i think i don't really feel like writing more than this little update. i have so much to do. i need to unpack and organize more, work on my main site, work on my business and begin moving my etsy to a main shop, draw, finish all these birthday gifts, but i also want to relax and watch things, play games, and just be a lazy bum cozy in my room. first world problems, i know!
happy easter! i'm now blogging from my new home! moving day was exhausting, but we were able to get everything transferred by 3pm and i've been slowly unpacking my room in between working for the past few days. i didn't think my sister was going to be able to help us move, but halfway through, she and her boyfriend came to our rescue which i really appreciated, especially since her leaving us is the reason we couldn't afford to live there anymore... my new room is so spacious! there's a lot of things i'll miss of course. there's no doubt in my mind it was the nicest house i've ever lived in. i'll miss the amount of light my old room had, and the ceiling fan. i'll miss the central air and the giant kitchen with plenty of space. i wish i could have utilized our space more, but at least i got to host friendsgiving there last year.
what i'll miss most of all is the easy 5 minute access to my trail and the park though! i rode my bike on that trail as often as i could, near daily. or when my bike was out of commission or it was too late, i'd walk to the park and have a swing or sit in that spinny chair... it was always nice whenever i needed to clear my head. i haven't been able to ride my bike in weeks now, since my bike has a flat and won't keep air... my grandpa is my bike mechanic usually, so maintenance has fallen by the wayside while we help him with his recovery.
my grandpa has been doing well! really the most stressful thing is maintaining his appointments and making sure he has transportation since even if i could drive, i usually work when he has one. thankfully we are getting home care and physical therapy to our house too. so my grandpa is ok for now... but now it's my sister's turn to go to the er. it turns out she had a nasty infection, one so bad that she needed iv antibiotics. i hope she recovers soon too... i may have been upset with her, but i never wanted something like this to happen to her either.
oh yeah, i can finally talk about my akira yamaoka concert experience! i'm actually wearing the shirt i got from the concert right now, heheh. we left in the afternoon and arrived at bear's brother's house since he always lets us spend the night whenever we go to concerts in his city. i wore a simple robbie ensemble! i wanted to represent my favorite little bunny rabbit son. at our stop to buc-ee's though... there was a guy wearing a sh2 shirt who complimented my "roger rabbit" outfit. not gonna lie, i judged him so hard.
getting there was smooth, but we overpaid for parking like crazy! we've never been to this venue before, so it was a lesson learned to get there earlier. raj ramayya was great too! it was a treat getting to see strangers live. i knew he wouldn't have since it's SO niche, but i would have lost my mind if he could have performed here comes the rain. maybe i should have brought my copy of gungrave. "what's that you got there?" he asked someone in the front row, holding up a copy of resident evil. that was funny. what wasn't funny was the loud and obnoxious leon cosplayer in the back of us, who we thankfully escaped by the time akira was up.
i'm sorry to all the people in front of me, but my sleeper silent hill otaku got activated and i was singing along the whole time... those lyrics are baked into me, even after all these years. the feeling of the concert this time was... different. when i saw akira the first time, his performance with mary was so intimate, and it was obvious they had such a deep bond. maybe it's because he's married now, or his relationship with this singer is just different? i don't know, but it made me feel even more grateful that i got the chance to see mary and akira perform together live. akira's suit was so snazzy, and in the end he came out with a cowboy getup!!
the next day, we went to explore our weeb area before coming back home! we go to this spot whenever we can manage to go out of town, though a lot of the shops here are thankfully popping up in my city now too, like daiso. we stopped at kinokuniya and bought snacks from the various food spots in the area. my favorite? our sweet potato taiyaki from a local place, and the ube cheesecake from uncle tetsu!!! oh my gosh, i need one again... i kind of regret not making the trip to chicha san chen since it wasn't too far away. i got to try it during our trip to the lolita popup shop, and i'm still thinking about their tea now. next time for sure!!
a couple of pictures!! my outfit from the concert, plus a shot of akira and esther. when we were going through security i put robbie in my bag and the staff member checking it said "ooh, that's scary" and handed it back to me. my son is not scary!!! rude!!!
