Leopard Printed Kisses

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archived entries: q2 2026 q1 2026 oct/nov/dec '25
september '25 august '25 july '25

autumn starts tonight, though it doesn't feel like it at all. it's still going to be nearly 100 degrees every day for the next week with no end to the heat and sunlight in sight. what brings me back to my online diary so quickly? disaster! plain and simple. this is going to be straight venting and negativity, as a warning for the few people aware of this page.

we went to the river on sunday as planned. truth be told, i didn't want to get up that day... or any day. i've been struggling a lot to get out of bed lately. anyway, my sister texted me early, saying "can you take grandpa and his stuff with you? it'll make more sense for us to meet halfway". her logic was sound, but it still couldn't help but feel like i was handed off full responsibility again. the ride wasn't too bad, i think i was mostly in a bad mood because i was hangry and grandpa is deaf and never wears his hearing aids, so i always have to repeat myself twice or thrice. it gets old.

the state park itself was really beautiful, i'd like to go back again someday. i didn't even know we had mountainous areas so close by. i didn't bring any swimming clothes since i didn't think i was going to want to get in, but i wish i had now. the river water was clear and it felt nice and cool on my legs, it was way different from going into the gross water of the lake or gulf i had visited in the past.

the whole reason we planned this trip was so that grandpa could go fishing as an early birthday gift. my sister and her boyfriend and brother picked a spot that was great for swimming, not so much for fishing... i even told them there were too many people, but we didn't move at all. poor grandpa. he was so excited to fish, and then he ended up catching almost nothing at all because only minnows and small fish were swimming around near such a crowd. i couldn't help but feel disappointed for him, watching him struggle to get his rod ready because he's old and ill and can't do things like he used to, and then watching people get in his way of his line and hook.

at one point, my grandpa decided he wanted to get into the water and fish that way, but he slipped and ended up drowning. he wasn't in any real danger since the river was only 3 feet deep, but it was still scary to witness. my boyfriend jumped right in and saved him, and everyone else got up and helped him get out. that's the thing about living with my grandpa, but especially going out anywhere with him. you have to always keep an eye on him or you end up with situations like that.

whenever i go out with my grandpa, i'm always just irritated. i just wish i could enjoy my remaining time with him. i keep telling myself, "don't be like that" but i can't seem to change my attitude. i don't know what's wrong with me.

my boyfriend also got his car stolen recently! by his own niece and her friend. his niece is out of control... recently she wrecked the new pool at his house, and this car was her next victim. she and her friend took the keys in the middle of the night and took the car for a joy ride, coming back with not one, but two completely blown out and shredded tires. i don't know how they managed to do that, but there's going to be charges pressed. actually, his niece's birthday is today. originally, she was going to get a new laptop from her mom, but since half of the car's tires had to be replaced and her mom also shares the car, i imagine she'd be lucky to even get a birthday dinner.

finally, today's disaster... do you know that saying, they come in threes? that applies to disasters too. i went in for my appointment today and completely and totally humiliated myself. it was like the stress and weight of this year collapsed on me all at once when all i was trying to do was explain my medical problem and i literally began shaking and crying uncontrollably. i wish i was joking, i really do. i wasn't even scared of anything, it just seemed to happen without a cause.

unsurprisingly, this alarmed the medical staff, and they began to show less concern over my physical issue and more concern over my mental state, asking me all sorts of questions and signing me up for counseling. i'll actually have to cancel those appointments later since they're telehealth (which i heard is largely unpopular and unhelpful) and i was still in the middle of trying to calm myself down, so i didn't pay attention to whether the dates conflicted with work or not.

it took me back in time. nine-years-old, offhandedly saying out loud that i wanted to kill myself at the water fountains. the class tattletale overhearing me and saying he was going to tell. an adult pulling me aside in gym later that day and questioning me about it, to which i lied and put on my best smile and laugh and said i was making a bad joke. i guess it worked, since no one in my family ever asked about it until a couple of years later when i was researching suicide methods on the home computer. nothing happened then either. after all, my mom and grandma were depressed too and uneducated to boot. there's no way they could have possibly known how to help me.

i lied again when the health provider asked if i was having suicidal thoughts of course, nothing good can come out of telling the truth to someone about that. besides, i'm too exhausted to plan out my demise. i always did suspect antidepressants would give me the energy to finally do it too, to be honest. it was sweet that she seemed to care so much, but it's also part of her job after all. she's gotta pay for her lash and hair appointments somehow.

the tears are still pouring now. i hope they stop soon, because my head really hurts.

it's already been another month since my last entry, so i decided to write one last blog before summer is officially over. good riddance! there's been so much disaster this summer and i don't want to write about it here at all. i imagine most of the people reading this blog already know about all the trials and tribulations i've faced in the past few weeks anyway. i welcome the autumn equinox with open arms, even though i know it'll still be hot as hell. at least there's a pool i can go to whenever i want now. it helps.

i wish i could say i'm doing well, but i'm still very much struggling mentally, dealing with physical symptoms and feeling like i'll never have my body's natural balance back, enduring ants biting me all over and gifting me itchy red welts, and toeing the line of burnout constantly and feel unable to keep up with friends properly. in fact, my mental health has been so poor that i decided to redownload love and deepspace. xavier's return message was really sweet. my phone's storage may be over 80% full now, but at least i have some extra support in these trying times. they never fail to make me smile.

what else have i been up to in between all the suffering? drawing, of course. nothing i'm particularly proud of, but i'm glad even on my worst days, i can say "hey, i drew today despite it all". i got to see akira on the big screen, my favorite anime movie! and recently saw the new resident evil too. that was a lot of fun. i love spur of the moment plans like that. we shared a funnel cake, which is a treat i've never seen at a movie theater!

now for the con summary! i thought i was going to have to stay at home, but i managed to actually have a little staycation. my sister agreed to come over and stay to look after grandpa, and my friend had already paid for the hotel, so she let us room with her at a super discounted price. another friend was kind enough to give me one of her extra vendor badges she wasn't using. i'm really grateful. it went by way too fast and i'm sad it's over.

on friday, i got up early to get ready. my friends and i coordinated to all wear sugary carnival! it was magical, there were 8 of us in total!

on fridays i usually try to look at the artist alley and dealer's room as much as possible, but the size of both felt so overwhelming this year. even with the vendor's badge letting you gain early access, it still wasn't quite enough time to browse, especially since there's rarely anyone ready to do transactions before it's open to the public. by the end of the day, i was way too tired from all the walking to even browse any more wares and just wanted to peel off my coordinate so i could get into the pool and hot tub at the hotel. i didn't even have enough energy to go to any late night shennanigans; i knocked out right away at the end of the night.

then on saturday, i wore my travis coordinate! i actually headed out late this day... why is it always saturday? i had trouble with a few things; namely the strap on the pouch i bought from atelier pierrot and figuring out what accessories to wear. i really should have gotten ready earlier, because by the time i was on the con floor, it was already past noon and so crowded that i didn't have the patience to wait to browse booths properly anymore.

i'm still really happy with my coordinate!! admittedly, i wish it had gotten more attention, both online and offline. i even printed travis stickers for anyone who pointed out my getup and only managed to give away one, even though i walked right past two travis "cosplayers" (really, they were just hideous short men wearing his jacket, you can't even call that a cosplay). funny enough, i gave away more stickers on sunday than the day i actually wore my coordinate! such a shame.

whatever, i'm going to continue to wear it again in the future!! i love my coordinate! it looks much better this time around than when i got to meet suda, because i got to wear a full size petti and swap out my bows for my new red ones.

i also got to see one of my online friends i only get to see yearly at this con! she is sooo sweet, and i still think it's hilarious how we managed to meet through my old yume server because she is very outgoing, athletic, and offline. i look forward to seeing her every year. this year, we met up at the witch hat atelier fan meet! i haven't watched or read it yet, but it's on my list. she looked so cute! i now have a cheki of her proposing to me with her brushbuddy and it's one of my prized posessions. we had dinner the next day after the con was over; we introduced her and her other engineer friends/coworkers to our favorite local spot. they loved it!! and that's saying a lot, since one of them came from a family that owned a restaurant.

finally, on sunday... i overpacked on purpose because i wasn't sure what i wanted to wear. i decided on a simple coordinate with my dreamy girl skirt. originally, i wanted to be all pastel, but my tea parties broke... they served me well for many years, so it was just her time. sundays are always the day we mostly spend at the swap meet, where i've found some of the best items i own. this year was weirdly difficult to trade though! most people were tightly clinging onto their items, myself included. to be fair, you can't blame me. these are people who are trying to trade funko pops for a nendoroid. no thanks. it's fine, since really my goal with the swap meet is always to get rid off as much stuff as possible, and i went from 3 full bags of stuff to 2. it could have gone better! but truthfully, i didn't really see a lot of items i was interested in, either... i'm actually trying to downsize my collection as much as possible because i find the upkeep a bit overwhelming in my current mental state.

my con haul!! click for full view. lots and lots of little things and paper goods. i would have liked to also get a corset from atelier pierrot, but my budget for them was $150. next time! the chris charm was given to me as a gift by an artist who was marveling over my chris ita bag! it was so kind of her to offer me a new addition to my collection. probably the most surprisng item i found was the meat standee! i'm watching her right now as i write this. my oshi!! you can't see it, but the silent hill sticker says "let's end misogyny" and it's the most genius thing ever. thank you to my artist alley friend, who never lets me actually buy her goods!! stop giving me your merch for free, i want to support you!

as usual, i felt the post-con blues after. i think it was especially tough this year, since i missed out on so many panels and things i wanted to do, but the time slipped away and the weekend went by as quickly as i could blink my eyes. i didn't get roger craig smith's autograph either, since his line was crazy every time it was time for people to line up. it also doesn't help when everything is spread so far apart, and i found myself too tired to keep going past 11pm or so, and i get annoyed with how crowded cons are now. i really am getting old, huh? in addition to the casualty of my tea parties, i also snapped a necklace and lost one of my favorite angelic pretty wristcuffs when i was going to the restroom. whoever picked it up and didn't return it to lost and found, just know i am casting a hex on you.

during my time in the artist alley, watching everyone else work, i felt... melancholic. it's not uncommon for me to get moody during the weekend, i've dealt with it before. but i just felt so... dejected. in that moment i thought, "i really am not cut out for art, i should just quit drawing altogether". i thought a lot about my failure to launch as a fulltime convention artist, and the life i could have had before the bubble burst had my circumstances been different. i know it's my fault too for not investing more into my business and taking more risks, both in terms of money and effort.

that's the theme of everything in my life, but especially the past few years. you missed out! oh well. that's too bad. life carries on without you, and you're left behind. i stayed alive to see if things would get better, but i find myself questioning if it was worth it... and i don't want to be like that because it makes me sound so ungrateful. i don't know. i think part of what's breaking my brain is not being able to ride my bike. even in the heat, i would ride if i could, but she's still chainless 3 months later.

what i am grateful for... my friends! my tiny support system, half of which are comprised of fictional men. the new artist mutual i met when i had to go right back to work the next day. everything that has ever been gifted to me. another day with my grandpa. actually, his 80th birthday is coming up, and we are going to celebrate it tomorrow!

final things... well, since i can't really import things anymore due to the tariffs and rising costs of just about everything, i've decided i want to commission more yume stuff with travis only. i've only done it a handful of times, and i want to do it more... the problem is, i can never decide what i want even when i finally pick an artist! and picking an artist is hard enough when travis doesn't have a bishie design. anyway, LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE ART ALLY MADE FOR ME!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! it makes me smile every time. thank you ally!!

I don't know if it's my luteal phase talking or the endless heat and sunshine cooking my brain, but i am in complete and utter despair yet again. my grandpa is struggling with complications from his many head surgeries and i am still struggling with complications from the antibiotics and can't seem to shake this lingering infection even after two otc treatments, probiotics, and cutting sugar out of my diet. i can't afford to seek out professional care after all after price checking with the clinic. nothing can seem to go right lately. even the small good things that come to me, come with a catch.

we can't afford our yearly staycation this year. i didn't win the artist alley lottery and i didn't get picked to model, so i had to buy my badge. no more pool time, no texas shaped waffles, no late night shenanigans. i'm trying to cope by saying, well it wouldn't be good for me to leave for the weekend anyway. i can't count on anyone to check on grandpa and he's been having terrible anxiety at night and hearing things. plus, the house gets filthy if i don't clean for even a single weekend. it's kind of incredible how much mess he's able to make so quickly. i experienced it again when i caught a summer cold and i wasn't able to clean for a few days.

grandma's words echo in my mind, "grandpa thinks i'm his maid!". the other week, my sister stopped by before heading to the beach and i came outside, laundry basket in tow. my grandpa said to the party, "that's my housekeeper!". i know he didn't mean anything by it; my grandpa is not a mean man but he does have a terrible sense of humor. it really hurt my feelings. it still hurts.

i could prattle on and on about every other single bad and unlucky thing that has happened to me since my last entry, but i don't want to. let's only cover the good instead.

i got to go swimming twice. my coworker was nice enough to switch shifts with me and recommended a particular pool we had never been to before. it was wonderful and I enjoyed myself a lot despite how tired i was. we celebrated opanchu usagi's birthday by going to the movies for the second time this year.

i finished my first sticker sheet commission and my friend loved them. they're a memorial sheet for her beloved doggie. you'll be greatly missed baby. truthfully, i ended up undercharging quite a bit. but we were both happy with the outcome and i haven't finished a sticker sheet since january, so it's fine.

the pool my coworker recommended! it was really pretty. i also got a glimpse of kk slider. i wasn't paying attention to the dates of the meet and greets, so i didn't get to meet kk, but i'm glad i still got to see him from afar.

i also went to the same friend's birthday party on sunday, it was really fun and i'm grateful she was able to squeeze me into the rsvp list last minute. it was a luau themed pool party and we enjoyed a boodle fight which was amazingly delicious. i had the leftovers for breakfast the next day. her cake was delicious too and incredibly unique, it was more savory and i wish I had gotten my own slice after all. the taste reminded me of mitarashi dango.

at this point, i think i really would try therapy if i could afford it, especially since my boyfriend is really the only person in my daily life that i can fully trust and rely on. i try to be as independent as i can, but there's only so much you can take on by yourself. i'm so exhausted that my body feels excruciatingly heavy. getting up in the morning has been especially hard this past week and i feel so disconnected from everyone. i don't want anyone to tell me, "everything will get better". i've been waiting for a long time now. decades. there is no "better", only the ebb and flow of life. it comes and goes like waves, only... those times where my life actually got "good" were extremely brief. i can't wait to be put to rest. don't get me wrong, i am very grateful for everything i have and i know i am loved. i'm just very tired and comfort is not what i seek.

oops, i blinked and it's been nearly 3 weeks since my last update! truth be told, i didn't feel like there was much to talk about, or at least nothing that wasn't just a misery spiral. i've been stuck in my usual routine; servant at work and servant at home. my grandpa suffers from anxiety and hates being left for long periods of time, so i have to be strategic about any outings i have outside of the necessities. i end up missing out on things a lot, like i did last weekend and will this weekend as well.

i still haven't been able to go swimming even once this summer! bear's parents are planning on building a pool in their backyard, which will hopefully be done before august ends. i have no idea what's gotten into them that they want to spend a loan they got this wrecklessly, but if they really do want to go through with it, i'll happily take advantage of the situation.

my body hasn't been quite right since those antibiotics from the dog bite. i'm quite depressed over it and it's put me in such a poor mood that i don't even feel like drawing much. i'm trying to cut out carbs and sugar in a desperate attempt to let my body heal and return back to its natural balance. what a summer. that damn dog ruined everything, and the owners never had to face any punishment. i have a crazy medical bill due because of it. the back wheel of my bike is still locked. a summer of no bike rides, no ice cream or snowcones or popsicles, no swimming, and no aquarium visits. the only good things about this hell season are the things i'm deprived of this year.

there's so many loose dogs in this neighborhood, it's unbelievable. all of these irresponsible owners are unfortunately starting to make me dislike being around dogs and have me constantly watching my back. i like dogs, but i can't trust the ones that live near me. i'm going to have to buy some mace to combat them, because since then i've had other close encounters. no wonder the people around here carry a golf club with them when walking their own dogs.

though life circumstances have held me back, at least it's enabled me to focus more on my site! i'm really happy how things are developing there. i'm grateful for all the people in my life, online and offline, the wonderful gifts i've received, and to have all my basic needs met. whenever i feel frustrated, i take a deep breath and tell myself, "thank you for another day with my loved ones". it really does help.

what else have i been up to... oh, i randomly picked up tarot and oracle reading out of boredom and a need for any little sign that things will be ok. we sell decks at my work, so i've been able to try out a bunch of different kinds. actually, to tell you the truth... i really would like to make a nmh or ktp tarot deck. but i know next to nothing about the major arcana, so learning about them will be my first step. it's a pipe dream project anyway, i imagine the audience for something like that would be very small (aka just for me).

playing around with these decks, i've come to immediately realize not all of them are equal. i like guidebooks with numbers and spread examples and reversal descriptions included. i prefer when the backs of the cards have a completely symmetrical design so that you won't know if it's reversed until you flip it over. i like cards that aren't too oversized so they're easier to shuffle. as a complete and total beginner, i won't bother with any decks that don't have a guidebook at all.

the spreads have been interesting. when the reading isn't tainted by my poor shuffling, everything is fairly consistent. i get cards signaling emotional turmoil and instability, and then cards signaling that it will pass. cards reminding me to take care of myself, and probably most importantly cards urging me to take action. problem is, i don't really know what the action i'm supposed to take is! maybe i won't realize it until it's already too late. so far, it seems the cards are acting as a tool to remind me of things i already know deep down. a confirmation. i suppose that's what most people want out of tarot and oracle decks, after all.

i've been really enjoying playing around with the deck and i don't take it too seriously. i respect people who are very spiritual and practice witchcraft, but i think i can't fully deceive myself into believing magic is real, even though i really wish it was. "magic" in our world is just mundane and vague rituals and spells that may or may not "work". who knows, maybe i'm self-sabotaging myself by thinking it's all a bunch of mumbo jumbo deep down even if i love the concept. i will continue to do readings for myself for as long as i'm having fun with it. i want that last unicorn deck...

on sunday, i went out to eat with my grandpa and sister. she wanted to try the breakfast buffet of a mexican restaurant we've been going to since we were kids. the buffet was good! even though bread and orange juice was off the table for me, i was able to eat lots of delicious things and have all the protein i wanted, plus i satisfied my menudo cravings! afterwards, my grandpa wanted to go the flea market, la pulga as we call it. it was already scorching by that time, so we didn't even make it halfway before he was tired and wanted to go home and we all left empty handed.

i hadn't been to that flea market in years! when i was little, every once in a while i'd go with my grandparents. it was my favorite thing to go do and i'd gladly end any sleepover early if i knew we were going to la pulga the next day. we would get up early, before the sun came out and go eat at the same mexican restaurant where i would get a country sausage and egg plate. we each had a mercado mesh tote bag for our spoils. it was so much fun. even though i can go back to the market, it's not the same as back then. the toys are different. there's so much crappy polyester clothing and ai slop and bootleg items.

i feel like staying in my hometown has me constantly haunted by the past. maybe the reason i can't move on and am so attached to nostalgia is because as long as i'm tied down here, i can't move forward. i've lived in the same area my whole life since my grandpa will not move anywhere unfamiliar to him. i've worked downtown for the majority of my working life since it's the easiest area to access by public transit in my city. i never even switched schools growing up. we didn't have vacations, i only went out of town a handful of times with my mom and only once with my grandma, and i didn't get to leave my state until i was already in my 20s. i've been stuck at home my whole life... maybe that's why i feel the most free in between that time of getting off work and coming home, knowing i can potentially go anywhere and do anything. i guess that's what i crave the most, freedom.

boy, that sure was a lot of navel-gazing! it's ok, this is my space so i don't feel ashamed about it. actually, i'm very surprised at how much i wrote. i guess i had been holding it back this whole time.

oh yeah! model applications for my local con are open right now. they have j-fashion guests i love and for the first time ever, they're actually providing badges for the models! it's about time. i know it's an honor to model for a japanese brand, but it's still work and having to essentially pay to work is crazy in my opinion. i've decided i'll try to come out of my shell and apply, mostly because i don't want to pay for a $100 badge when i didn't get into the artist alley... i still remember when these badges were $50 for the entire weekend! minimum wage is still the same since then, by the way. hopefully i don't get stage fright if i get selected!

p.s. - i got new art of me and travis!! one was a commission and the other was a gift from my friend. aren't they amazing??? i really need to compile them into a special folder for getting me through those days i don't feel like getting up.

i switched shifts with my coworker because my grandpa has a doctor's appointment today, but my sister surprised me and was able to take him despite her recent knee surgery. i don't know if i mentioned it before, but my sister had knee surgery a year ago right before we moved into the previous house we were in, and they really messed up because she never healed properly nor was she able to rebuild her muscle. i really hope this time around that my sister can fully heal, be pain free and go back to being active. it feels nice to be alone in the house in the morning like this. it's peaceful. i don't have to be on high alert and no one can ask anything of me. i'm grateful for it.

all of those familiar, negative feelings are back. the feeling of being trapped in my own life, feeling like i will never at least have the basic success of being able to make a modest living and support myself and my hobbies financially with a job that doesn't make me want to rope. sighing through another day. it would help a bit if i could just get away a little more or if i could go swimming already. i really want to go back to the state aquarium. we took the trip for my birthday in 2018 and haven't been back since. i'm struggling to think of anything positive... i fell down the other day on my morning walk to my bus stop and my leg got scraped up pretty badly. it's finally scabbed over now, but i can't help but start picking at it. it's basically a form of stimming to me.

i officially uninstalled love and deepspace, since infold cannot be trusted as a company and it took up so much storage, i couldn't update it normally anymore. nearly half of my entire phone storage was just the game. i woke up this morning with the urge to log in and do my dailies, since it's usually the first thing i do in the morning if i'm not in a rush to get ready and go, only to remember it's gone. i feel a little empty. i know i can just redownload it, but the damage has been done and things will never be the same again. i also got two different bills for my er visit from the dog bite. 1300 dollars! for a single tetanus shot and an antibiotics prescription. don't you love the american health care system? nothing ever came of the police or animal control reports either. the least the owner of that damn dog could do is pay for my medical bills. i still haven't been able to ride my bike since because the back wheel is locked and i can't seem to fix it.

some other things that have been bothering me... the tariffs and regulations officially killing importing toys. bye-bye to my holy grails. the op cut of my current ultimate dream dress recently sold for nearly 1k, a regular ap release from 17 years ago. i have no doubt it was some newbie lolita with her parent's credit card, tearing up the market for the rest of us. my dream is dead and buried, and the fact that i sold the same print's jsk and headbow for only $200 years ago will haunt me for the rest of my life. i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to keep it and $200 is peanuts compared to how expensive it would get later on. i'll never get it back. playstation officially going 100% digital. the women's rights in my state actively going backwards. is there anything at this point that hasn't been enshittified? nearly everything in this world is actively getting worse and progress is being halted if not outright destroyed.

i'm trying really hard to think of something positive... oh! i got some really amazing attacks on art fight, and those made me really happy. art fight has been fun! i'm more excited about it than last year at least where i really wasn't feeling it, but i wish i could reupload iris, since she's the oc i care about the most... i'm also really happy to be rewatching space dandy with someone i love. i keep feeling like fate keeps kicking me while i'm already down, but i know things can be worse. thank you for another day with my grandpa, and thank you for another day with my friends and bear. i'm a broken record here, but i don't know what else to do except take it one day at a time.

summer is in full swing. it's hot, but it's always hot. i already expect summer to be miserable, but at least it's the season for swimming and snowcones. i actually feel a little bit better mentally lately, which is good. there's a lot of things i need to do, but i'm taking it one day at a time. i've been doing art, got some new travis merch, and warmie from my bestie!! thank you again so so much, he smells so good and i feel like i sleep better snuggling him.

i went to a thai restaurant i've been wanting to try for a friend's birthday. she brought me back a chiikawa from her travels!! some of the girls in the comm went on a trip to the philippines and told us all about it during dinner and a boba hangout. the pictures are unreal, it's seriously so beautiful. like the kind of imagery you see on desktop wallpapers. i hope i can go too someday, my friend said she wanted more of the group to go next time anyway. i also got to try mango sticky rice for the first time and it was delicious!! i want to go back and get some more again soon, it was so refreshing and the perfect amount of sweetness. we also tried papaya salad, which my friend loves. it was good, but way too spicy for me! i only had a taste and it ended up numbing my gums. "medium" spice? no way that dish was the same level of spicy as the rest of our food!

i also celebrated another birthday yesterday, the cousin i grew up with. i used to be really close with that side of the family and saw them all the time when i was a kid, but one day i just stopped going over and lost touch with everyone. it was surreal to see everyone again, especially since the last time i saw a lot of these family members was when my grandma died. i got to see my other grandma again and it was really emotional. we cried and she kissed me over and over. i really missed my nonnie. i hope i can see her more often.

i also saw my other cousin that i rarely saw growing up. we didn't talk much, but she was telling me about how i used to have the coolest toys when i was little and was envious of all of my sailor moon stuff. it's funny, because i always thought she was the one who had all the cool toys! she had pretty pretty princess! but i guess when you're a kid, you always get amazed when you get to play with new stuff you don't own right? i remember always wanting to hang out with her because it was a rarity, and now she's even more far away and foreign to me. familial ties are hard and painful for me, because nostalgia is painful. i think that's why i usually gravitate towards bonds that aren't bound by blood.

i always feel like a time capsule. everyone tells me "you haven't changed a bit!" even when it's been 5, 10, 15 years since i last saw them. it's true. all of those childish things everyone long left behind, like toy collecting and watching cartoons are things that have always stuck with me. i never grew out of the things i liked. i'm not ashamed of my peter pan syndrome, but it does feel strange to watch everyone grow up and change while i still like the same things i did when i was six-years-old and going to that house again. my tia told me she's still there and told me to come over anytime, which brought me some comfort. but even if i do visit, it's not like i can ever go back in time. it was bittersweet.

speaking of peter pan syndrome, i've been thinking a lot about how my grandpa told me during his hospital stay that he wants me to learn how to drive. it's definitely embarrassing that i don't know how to at my big age, but the circumstances just weren't there i suppose. my little sister learned how to drive and was given a car right away since there's no bus service where my mom and her husband lived and she had to drive herself to school. the public transit in my inner city is pretty awful, but at least it exists. it's been my main mode of transport for 17 years now since a car was too expensive for me to bother saving up for. it was kind of a vicious cycle, since a car would mean access to better paying jobs, and more opportunities to vend outside of my city, but i could never afford to be bogged down by a car payment, insurance, and maintenance. i loathe car dependency with a passion, but that's a whole other topic i won't get into.

actually, the car my grandpa drives now was supposed to be mine. the car that used to be my grandma's became his and then the transmission went out, so my sister gave him her car after she got a new one that was completely her own. it's totally trashed now, hahaha. my sister said she was upset at the state of the car at the moment; busted back trunk, dirty and grimy and sticky, exposed wires, and no working a/c. i don't think my grandpa has ever had working a/c in any of his cars for my whole 32 years of living, and it's one reason why i almost never ask for a ride. i don't know what she expected really, that's always how he's been and any gift you give him will inevitably end up in a similar state. so don't get him anything expensive!

back to the main topic here. my mom only tried to teach me how to drive once, and i was freaking out pretty badly. i definitely need to go to driving school. but i realized there's another reason why i haven't bothered to learn how to drive, and it's because as long as i don't know how to, it's one less responsibility for me. i can see it now... i would have to drive my grandpa and i to get groceries, to run his errands, to all of his appointments. by myself. alone. in a car that stains my clothes and has no working a/c. by not knowing this skill, i shield myself from another load. as it is, everyone dropped off in support as soon as grandpa finished his antibiotics. i'm not bitter about it, just sad. i don't want to talk to my mom anyway. that day she yelled at me on the way to one of grandpa's appointments, something inside me permanently shattered and i realized i really can never trust her and i need to keep my distance for my peace of mind.