my grandpa has been discharged from the hospital and is recovering well! it's been a terrifying past week, but i hope things can settle down and he can be on the road to complete recovery after our move. he's a picky eater, so he ate almost nothing during his hospital stay... i didn't want to go anywhere yesterday, but I'm glad i went to eat and go grocery with him. being able to do so is such a blessing.
since his return home, i've also been doing a lot of reflecting on the past decade. it's been nearly 10 years since my grandma passed away. pretty much as soon as i got my first job at 19, both my great uncle and grandma were diagnosed with cancer. my great uncle went first, then my grandma. i still remember all those dreadful moments of 2016 like it was yesterday.
when my grandpa and i were first on our own together, i didn't realize how helpless he was without grandma. It was really eye-opening. she did everything for him, and we had to learn a lot of things together. i wasn't willing to take her place, but i did the best i could because my grandpa has always been there for me my entire life. it's a little strange, realizing that at the age most people are graduating post-secondary education and just beginning their adult life, i already had to take on a caregiver role. i guess i have some mixed and complex feelings about it. of course i'm grateful my grandpa has been with us for so long, it just feels like i'm always exhausted no matter how much i try to rest... it's probably from years of constantly being on high alert and making sure things are alright.
i have to take on more now. medication, appointments, answering his phone calls, managing his bank account, being the first point of contact for his case worker in addition to everything else i already do. my grandpa wants me to finally learn how to drive so i can be his ride when he can't drive himself anymore. thank goodness he receives veteran services, i can't imagine how much harder everything would be without that. my mom and sister are helping so much right now too since this situation kind of woke them up, but i don't know how long it'll last. as it is, i'm already wary of trusting my sister considering how she handled moving in together.
oh yeah, the new house! it's a downgrade in every way, and there's no heating for the winter lol. but we'll have a roof over our heads and that's all that matters. at the very least, my room will be bigger. i hope i can finally fit an L shape work desk like i've been pining over for the past... geez, i don't know how many years now. my room has to double as my art studio and office after all!
the stars are clear tonight, and orion was there to greet me. i always feel comforted when i see orion, though i'm not really sure why. maybe because it's the first constellation i remember learning about.
i want to write about happy things, like how well the akira yamaoka concert went. i got some merch and we tried a lot of delicious food while we were out of town. how i was finally able to switch hosts for my main site and have begun working on it again. there was only one matcha plan left on teacake, it was almost like it was waiting for me. or my thoughts on resident evil requiem, since we finished it a few days ago. anyway, even though i want to update about happy stuff, things are very much not happy at the moment...
my grandpa is in the hospital right now. he's stayed overnight a couple of times before, but this time it's serious. he had a bleed in his brain, which explains the headaches and dizziness he was complaining about for a few days. i wanted to get him to the hospital sooner, but he's so stubborn. he had his procedure already, and the surgeons said he did well and they were able to drain most of it, but i worry about the recovery and what caused it in the first place. i actually called in at work too, which is something i never do since it's such a small amount of staff that we have to work even when we're sick if we can't find coverage.
it was so hard seeing my grandpa like that. they had to shave his head for the procedure and parts of his face swelled afterwards. he complained about not being able to eat or drink since he had to fast for the procedure, and now he has to be restrained since he was agitated after waking up from anesthesia and they didn't want him to hurt himself or pull out his drains. i was able to talk to him again before i left, but i feel guilty for wanting to leave his side just because i missed my bed. it's just not very comfortable sleeping at the hospital... but i'll be back to see him again.
just our luck right? here we are, 11 days from our moving date. i'm only halfway packed and haven't had time to do more, and now this. it is what it is i suppose. i just hope everything turns out alright.
we barely got a winter at all. the temperature and blinding sunlight is already too much for me and i'm unable to ride my bike except for the early morning or late evening. seriously, who is happy for it to be 95 degrees in february and march? you're all freaks. spring is hard for me... april is awful but may is my least favorite month of the year. the only thing to soothe my dread is the delicate fragrance of the mountain laurel trees. they're beautiful too, with bright and distinctive purple flowers. i wish they bloomed for just a little while longer.
my grandpa and i haven't had much luck finding a new house. the problem is finding one within our budget that also fits our needs... we're actually going to view one today, but i'm not excited about it at all. we just need to get out of here as soon as possible, and unfortunately the burden of that is almost completely shouldered on me. i'm excited about this weekend though!! we're going to see akira yamaoka!!! ahhh, i can't believe i get to see him TWICE in my lifetime? what are the chances? it would have been nice to get the vip package, but i already met him and got a signature and a picture with him all those years ago anyway. it's too bad mary isn't on tour with them though! it would have been nice to see her again too.
i miss working on my main site so much... not that i should be doing that when i haven't even started packing, but i think missing that part of me hasn't helped with my poor mood lately. i'm actually not sure what to do! i waited too long and couldn't get a plan with leprd or teacake like i wanted, and this blog is hosted on porkbun which i'm not fond of. right now my site is hiding away incomplete and hosted on freehostingnoads... but it still loads painfully slow. oh well, i guess i'll just work on more assets and take advantage of the downtime for now? i just know that neocities doesn't deserve me lmao, as arrogant as that is to say.
oh yeah, we started re requiem! it's really scary, and grace has actually grown on me a lot! i feel so bad for her honestly haha, she seems so autistic that i'm not sure how she managed to get a job with the fbi, but then she ends up getting stuck fighting these man-made horrors beyond her comprehension and (understandably) freaking out about it. old man leon doesn't look half bad either, he looks a lot better in game and in motion. i've already been spoiled for what happens at the end but at least i can sleep well at night knowing that women ate well. thank you women at capcom. speaking of that, capcom revealed a new merch collection! i need cookie chris to go with my cookie travis!!!
the deep unhappiness is already setting in. my sister and grandpa's rooms have been stripped, and the house search has once again began. i wish i could just move out on my own so bad, but i'd need something very affordable and preferably with all bills paid and the last time i expressed i wanted to live alone, i got a guilt trip reminding me that someone needs to look after grandpa since his health is declining. i don't want to deal with any of this, lmao.
i at least got a break from the stress though! over the weekend some comm friends and i went on a road trip to a city a few hours away to see a lolita brand popup shop. it was sooo much fun and definitely much needed friend time! i haven't been to this city since i was... gosh, in elementary or middle school? it's been a really long time. there was so much to do, and see, and eat... the popup was packed and unfortunately everything i wanted to buy was already sold out by the time i got inside, so i just bought some wristcuffs. there were a couple of other things i would have liked to get too, but i decided against spending any more money since we need as much funds as possible for our move, and i haven't been successful getting any more commissions... i'll be dreaming about that peach oolong with mousse i had at the tea shop. so good!!
february has been going by so fast!! actually, i have a lot of heavier things i want to write about, but i'll talk about the fun stuff first. for my february 1st half recap: i finished another sketchbook last month, and i still haven't started my 2026 one since i've been focusing on other things, but i did place the first sticker and i'm looking forward to decorating it very soon!! i also went to see my art printed in person at a local shop that works with artists and it made me so happy i pushed myself to submit something! i don't know if anyone will actually buy my art specifically, but there's something so special about witnessing your work out in the wild.
i've also been making a ton of art lately in general! i made a valentine's day challenge on dad and i'm still trying to finish the rest of the gifts i wanted to finish even though the challenge is over, hahaha. it was so much fun and it makes me happy that it was a big success. i love valentine's day... it doesn't matter if you're single or partnered. there's all kinds of love to celebrate, but don't forget the most important one of all: self love.
what else... oh, i made a fun little collage! i was scrolling on instagram when i saw this open call for zine submissions... and the theme was oshikatsu! the deadline was that very day, so i think it was fate. i managed to finish my submission within a couple of hours. now that i think about it... is it technically offtopic since i'm a yume? i think being a yume is inherently tied to oshikatsu, but of course not everyone who has an oshi loves them in a romantic way. oh well! it's all done and submitted, and we'll see the results in a week or so. i'm just glad i pushed myself to get up and do it regardless. isn't it cute?? it has so many of my favorite travis related memories. i've loved him for nearly 17 years now... i need to still check what date our anniversary is. click for full view!
i've also been hanging out more with my comm! we had a "scrap and yap" session at a boba shop i've never been to before. that pork bowl? incredible. i wish it wasn't so far, because i would love to go more often! it felt so healing to hang out with everyone and i highly recommend having a creative, low-stress get together like that with your loved ones. we also had a valentine's day tea party!! i was actually a little nervous... little fun fact, i haven't had caffeine in a couple of years following an incident where i overdosed on it and thought i was dying. but it was fine! my friends and i did a melty berry princess triplet. do you think it was weird i chose not to wear my new jsk? i just can never resist being able to twin, and it was my first time being able to triplet!
i've been to a tea party like this before, but it felt a bit different since we were actually served. the tea party was hosted in the back of an antique mall and everything was so gorgeous, and there was live music on top of that! i hope i can take my mom here sometime, i think she would really enjoy it. we tried lavender earl grey tea, white peony tea, and duck shit. they were all delicious, but earl grey is always a winner for me. the sandwiches and scones were exquisite too. i love me a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich!
ahh, i love my comm... besides the food, my comm is the only thing i'd miss if i ever moved out of this godforsaken town. a few of us are actually going on a road trip this saturday to attend a lolita brand popup! sadly, they won't have the dress i wanted to see in stock, but i'll at least pick up a pair of socks since i want to expand my gothic wardrobe too.
on friday the 13th, it was bear's birthday! i dressed up in my new jsk and we went to eat the biggest, cheesiest burgers and ran around to shop a little bit. his birthday present was a huge accessory for one of his many goku figures (seriously, he owns almost all of the goku figuarts...) and i picked up a tamagotchi ichiban kuji ticket for myself. i got the d prize, so i picked the kuchipatchi holder. i'm not sure who to put in it yet! by the way, if you have a miniso in your area... you get a free blind box on your birthday and it counts for ones up to $25, so sign up!! it's free!
on actual valentine's day, i did work but i dressed up for the occasion. surprisingly i was in a pretty good mood? maybe because i was dressed up, and it wasn't that busy either. bear is actually pretty broke right now since he works in events and the winter is a dead season, but he did still take me out for ice cream and got me some chocolate strawberries. you have no idea how excited i was... i waited a whole year to finally try love potion #31!! should i get the quart? i don't know, it's kind of too much... but it's also a limited time flavor. i'm tempted.
now for the bad stuff, squirreled away here at the bottom of the entry so it can be easily skipped... my mom and i went out for lunch the other day. i usually work on her day off, but i managed to finish what i was working on so i invited her out to lunch. i feel bad, but our outing kind of ruined my weekend lol, it was like i absorbed all of her negative and nervous energy and the ghost of it lingered with me throughout the following days. my mom was officially diagnosed with type 2 diabetes not too long ago, and she's really struggling with it and her declining health and aging body in general. it doesn't help that doctors aren't trained in basic nutrition at all. it's hard to see her like that, and even harder considering our history together.
in short: my mom was not very nice to me growing up and i have a lot of issues i'm still working through as a result. i find myself conflicted. my body still has the muscle memory of what to do to protect myself from her temper and nitpicking even as an adult in my 30s. i still get flashbacks thinking about the things she said or did to me or all the times she humiliated or shamed me. but then i see her now, as nothing more than a woman who had a rough and mostly unhappy life and made some mistakes along the way. i see how much she deeply regrets the way she raised my sister and i, and struggling mentally and physically on top of that, and i can't not forgive her. i just don't know if we can ever close the distance...
she also gave me the news that a cousin of hers just had a stroke. it actually runs in my family... my biological grandfather, my great grandmother, and two of my uncles have all died from stroke or related complications, and young too. my remaining uncle and aunt have recently discovered they have brain aneurysms, so now that my mom has diabetes, she's going to have an increased risk until she gets her blood sugar under control. my mom is barely in her 50s, and yet half of her siblings are dead and the remaining half aren't in great shape either. can you imagine how painful and devastating that is?
another fun problem we have is that i am definitely going to have to move again soon. our lease is up at the end of the month and for the past 4 weeks or so, my sister and i have tried calling, texting, and emailing the landlord to ensure that we can switch to monthly payments and not have to rush to move out... again. at this point, i'm wondering if the landlord is dead. it's so infuriating to get yet another automated email and text combo reminding us to get ready to move out right after i've left a voicemail in a vain attempt to get a confirmation for the 10th time.
actually, i'm a little angry with my sister now, the more i think about it. here she was, lecturing me about making sure grandpa is taken care of in his final years when i opened up about wanting to move out on my own because he can be suffocating and difficult to live with, yet she's practically abandoned us. "i knew she would do that" my mom remarked when i told her about how my sister comes home maybe once a week. she only wanted her own peace of mind. i love the house we live in, but what's the point of this giant house if only two people live here? i picked out much smaller and more affordable houses during our search, yet she pushed for this one and took the biggest room on top of that. as of right now, she wants to move in with her boyfriend of 6 months. my mom and i both think it's a terrible idea, but it's not like we can stop her.
ah, it's already february? how? what have i been up to? on january 3rd, i hit 100 affinity with sylus!! it was so much tougher than with xavier... i hit 100 with xavier in november but sylus doesn't have nearly as many cards as him. two month difference! i took some pictures to celebrate, love being a starcrow girlie, heheh.
it's also been a year since i first started playing lads! records say i i started the game on january 19th. i kind of can't believe it, everything has gone by so fast and i understand the game a lot better now and am starting to skip banners and save my diamonds more now that i'm running out of opportunities to farm the free ones. i still log in daily but my overall interest depends on the banner and how busy i am. still, i'm grateful for this game and i hope now that there's proof of a strong female market, more games like this will be created! women deserve as much variety as dating sims for men and NO joke romance characters for once.
the rule of rose 20th anniversary came and went as well! that means i already completed one of my new year's resolutions: i completed the sticker set i wanted to do! i think they came out cute, but i've only had one sale so far. it's to be expected... i mean, i didn't make them thinking i was going to get a crazy amount of sales anyway. it was a labor of love, like most of the things i draw hahaha. maybe i'd be better off if i had the resilience to clout chase and pump out fotm drawings. oh well.
actually that reminds me, i added another new year's resolution to my list: make a new shop! i decided on shopify like my other artist friends use, i'll buy the domain to connect it to as well. recently i browsed etsy in search of merch and it was absolutely awful, full of ai slop and irrelevant results. i thought, well if i hate using etsy as a buyer, why would someone want to use etsy to buy my stuff? not to mention the fees on etsy are insane. for the longest time, my line of thought was that i don't have the popularity or traffic to justify my own site shop, but i'll never be able to truly grow if i don't take that plunge. i'll still keep the etsy shop of course, but i know my own shop will allow me to offer more affordable prices and more control over what i list.
what else... i've already celebrated the first birthdays of the year, went to a late holiday work party where i sat in the hot tub 80% of the time (it didn't get hot enough! but it was still nice), and i made some clothing purchases already, either things i needed or things i've been pining over for years!! i got myself a black rider jacket! now i have a red and black one, and the red one is angelic pretty no less! speaking of angelic pretty... i bought a new dress!! this has been one of my dream dresses for years and now she's finally mine! the last time i bought a dress was in march 2023... so it feels really good to have a new piece in my wardrobe, especially since i sold some last year!
isn't she beautiful?? it's the be my valentine jsk by ap, now i just need my biggest wishlist item... actually i still want to make a wishlist and talk more about the lolita items i'm still in search of, usually i feel like it's really bad luck to announce it in public where everyone can see, but i feel comfortable talking about it here in my safe space. i'm excited to put it together!!! i love lolita fashion!!! i've been wearing it for nearly 13 years now and it still makes me just as happy as the first time i discovered it...
some unhappy things on my mind... we might have to move soon. we live in such a beautiful house and having central air feels so luxurious to me, but the rent is expensive and my sister isn't home enough to justify this huge house. it's usually just my grandpa and i at home... actually, our one year lease is ending this month and my sister has tried to contact the landlord about it with no reply, so i'm going to have to start getting aggressive about negotiating renewing it or going monthly starting tomorrow. another neglectful landlord, no surprise there! getting a hold of someone whenever we need help is like pulling teeth. i really don't want to have to move again so soon, but whatever is meant to happen, will happen.
my mom and i are also considering surrendering ranchito to a shelter. i'm glad we were able to rescue him from my late uncle's house and rid him of mange, but we ended up never getting him fixed since we got caught up in having to move so suddenly and he still has an infected, goopy eyelid. the poor baby... i feel so sad about it because i know it bothers him a lot, but i'm not even sure if my sister finished paying the vet bill for him and the vet herself said if his eye doesn't get better after the antibiotics and steroids, he'll need to see a specialist and i have no idea how much it'll cost, especially since vet bills are rising like crazy. even surrendering costs money, so it's not something we can do on the fly. at least he's fed for now.
i just hope everything turns out alright. i don't want to think about anything, i just want to draw.
here's a fresh new look for the new year! it didn't take me as long this time, but i still need to properly learn grids and flexbox instead relying on the method i use lol.
first: here's my 2025 art summary! i also posted this to dad, but i decided to post it here too. i drew so much last year!! at least in comparison to the years i would barely draw because i was too busy being depressed and laying in bed staring at the ceiling... i'm just really happy with how much the site has pushed me to draw. click for full view!
next is my promised coordinate summary of 2025! i only had one new year's resolution for 2025, and it was to wear every main piece in my lolita wardrobe at least once. i started off the year with 1 coat, 8 ops, 5 skirts, and 9 jks. however, i ended up selling a few pieces:
the cosmic skirt was definitely a feeler! it just doesn't look great on me due to the waistband. i love the print but none of the cuts are very ideal, i found myself conflicted on what to do and kept the accessories that came with it... but it went to a very good home and everything i sold stayed within my comm! so i don't feel that bad about it.
then, there's two pieces i unfortunately didn't get a coordinate photo of at all! but they're both certainly coord repeats that weren't worth photographing anyway, the london diary op was worn for new year's eve and the iw op during thanksgiving:
now for the coordinates themselves!! the first two were when i still lived at my old address, the second coordinate was for a friend's birthday party!! i love layering socks now.
next are some less flashy coordinates! i wore the short sleeved sailor op to see the sailor moon musical, mam mini skirt for a friend's birthday, my mary romance doll jsk to see paranorman again, and iron gate for the oddities expo!
in the spring, i wore strawberry letters for a small con, and my telephone jsk for a travis inspired coordinate that i unfortunately didn't get a good picture of!! if you had talked to me personally or read my old blog entry, you know my trip to meet suda started in disaster and there was no time to rest or take a proper coordinate shot, but everything turned out ok!! i can't wait to wear this coordinate again and properly document it! i met the cutest femvis cosplayer too, she was so sweet!
here's some coordinates i've already shown here on my blog from last year~
for summer ild, i organized my first meet and wore marine kingdom to the aquarium! then my anniversary and all of my holiday party coordinates~ i seemed to really like wearing my precious bbyz bunny headdress and wore it a lot, hahaha. it's so fluffy!
for winter ild, i invited a friend out shopping! plus a bonus, my cosmic skirt coordinate for decora day before i decided to sell it.
last, i organized a meet to watch the nutcracker right before the year ended... i actually changed my coordinate plans all of a sudden and decided to wear toy parade so i could twin with a friend, but she ended up not being able to make it to the meet... i'm going to repeat the coordinate (an outfit repeater?! gasp!) so i won't show pictures, but here's the last coordinate i wore for the year!! i wore matryoshka doll to go eat a delicious steak dinner. so good!! it was my first time wearing it without the apron since i wanted it to be a more casual coordinate.
bonus!! here's another picture of my absolute favorite coordinate of the year, the toy parade coordinate i wore for my second day of vending at my local con. i felt so cute and i actually made it down to the artist alley late that day, hahaha.
that's it for 2025 coordinates! now it's january and i still haven't worn lolita yet... but i did get a new dress!! it's a dream dress i've been wanting for years and now i can finally fulfill my dream of wearing it for valentine's day! since i want to talk more about lolita and my wishlist, i'll make a separate entry tomorrow. i actually have to get ready to go into work soon since i'm leaving earlier than expected, but i'm happy i was able to at least make this first blog of the year with a familiar, yet fresh layout! happy 2026! may all of my loved ones have a blessed year.
