i woke up early today, before 6am and explored some more sites on the smallweb. it's been my fun little ritual, setting aside some time to carefully look through all of these sites i've missed or haven't been able to properly look at in the past couple of years. after i was done, i went back to bed, but i couldn't sleep... it was already 8:30am, and i knew it was going to be time to start the day again. meds, chores, cooking, cleaning... i felt a little despair thinking about it, and didn't want to get out of bed.
my grandpa's condition has been improving a lot. things feel more familiar again. i have a little more freedom to go out and do things. i can go shopping for a couple of hours at a time, or go see a movie. my grandpa feeling better also means more mess, haha. mysterious stains everywhere and always a mess for me to clean up, head-scratching sights popping up in the house like the carpeted bath mat inside the tub, and endless problems for me to fix. i'm grateful, so i won't complain. but i am very tired. next month it'll be 3 months since we've moved in and my room is still a mess. i try to unpack, but i get fatigued so quickly and can't seem to focus for even an hour at a time.
we also have an ant problem! the hot and humid weather has brought in a plethora of horrible pests, but this ant problem has been especially awful to deal with. i need to go and buy bait traps as soon as i can. between the ants, the mosquitos because my grandpa likes to keep the door open despite the lack of a screen, and the recent dog bite, i'm covered in wounds and welts all over. my skin is so itchy and bruised and inflamed! plus, the ants infested a brand new $10 bag of white rice i bought... it hurt when i realized i had to throw the entire thing away.
in good news, ranchito got fixed yesterday! i'm happy to hear about it. my sister took both of the cats since my grandpa and i couldn't afford a $500 pet deposit, plus it was my sister's idea to rescue ranchito anyway. they also found out what's wrong with his eye and why it never healed despite multiple rounds of antibiotics. it turns out he has entropion, which i'm sure he was born with. i hope he can finally be cured of his pain and discomfort, but i know it won't be cheap. i really miss having the cats around. i swear, bean loved me more than her own mama. i imagine her now, hobbling around the place on her three legs and squeaking for more food. i'm sure her litterbox is always overflowing, as usual... poor bean, having a mama that neglects to keep your toilet clean! i'm hoping my sister's boyfriend is helping in that regard. although i miss the cats a lot and even feel a bit incomplete not having a cat around me to pet and snuggle with, i know i'm not capable of taking care of one right now anyway. i barely want to take care of myself, after all. not to mention the vet bills, and the rising cost of food... pets are so expensive!
i find myself incredibly amazed by other artists lately. artists who make comics, games, stories, artists who animate. artists who make anything really. some of these artists spend 5, 10, 15+ years on a single project? isn't that incredible? i find myself admiring them, wondering if i would ever be capable of making anything at all. i don't know, i just don't really feel like i have a story to tell... i have some stories in my head of course, i always do. i just don't feel like they're worth putting in the effort to present to the world. or maybe that's the exhaustion talking. who knows. anyway, it makes me feel like a bit of a fake sometimes. i consider myself pretty creatively bankrupt, so that's why i'm usually drawing what other people have created instead.
my entries are so gloomy lately, aren't they? that's alright. i feel safe here. i think mostly everyone i've given this link to doesn't really check it anymore or forgot about it, so i feel free to be more raw than usual. i could feed into my negativity even more, but i know that doesn't do any good. i want to acknowledge these feelings at least, because they're real whether i like it or not. back to cleaning the house now. it's not so bad. i overheard grandpa doing the dishes, so that means one less thing on my plate, even if i usually have to rewash some of them. it's ok. it's alright.
ah, lucky me! i got bit by a dog last night, so i went to the er this morning, and ended up sleeping most of my day away. i was riding my bike and on the way to the trail when this neighborhood dog suddenly ran up from behind and nipped at my ankle. the bite wasn't severe, but it did puncture my skin and drew blood. i screamed and fell off my bike, which is now out of commission... again. this particular dog has chased me before, it jumps out of its front yard fence frequently where it lives with two other dogs. truthfully i think the dog was acting on its instincts since it looked like a herding/cattle dog, but i can't be 100% certain. i don't take my cell phone out when i ride so i can feel completely untethered, which has never been an issue for me until just the past month. i had to do the walk of shame back home, back wheel locked, my knees muddy and bruised, and my ankle freshly wounded determined to file a report since the house was completely fenced and locked and there was no way of getting ahold of such an irresponsible owner. the dogs jumped and barked like mad as i walked past and the biter itself had already cowardly retreated back to its own home, still barking at me from behind the safety of its fence. this is why i'm a cat person...
i refused going to the hospital at first, especially since it was already late and most urgent care clinics were already closed or closing, and i didn't feel like being stuck in the er. but then of course, the worry and anxiety crept in and kept me up all night and i was barely able to sleep at all. i didn't feel sick and my small wound was thoroughly washed and never showed signs of infection, but i thought it would be better to get preventative care. two hours and a tetatnus shot and an antibiotic prescription later, i was discharged. the staff showed no concern about rabies at all, and i know logically and statistically, that dog doesn't have rabies. it's just that rabies is one of my biggest fears... not because it kills you, but because of the way it kills you. i have no idea what that dog's vaccination records look like since i wasn't able to reach the owner. i really hope i get some answers from the case manager soon... the clock is ticking. i wish i wasn't such an anxious and neurotic person.
i'm sitting down with my final treat of the night: a warm cup of chai with milk since i just got done with the housework for tonight right after finishing my bike ride. this trail... i really miss my old one, to say the least. having to make the treacherous journey there across the train tracks means i have to make sure i leave with enough time to make it back home before dark, but not early enough that the sun is still scorching. the trail is endless and i get lost easily. in fact, last week i got so lost that i stayed out for nearly 3 hours, and half of that was spent trying to get back home. i ended up having to break away from the trail entirely and take the main streets back, and man was that sun harsh!
still, it's not all bad. there's a lot less shade here, but it's wild and the plants are tall. the fields of flowers and all the greenery is really beautiful. it's mostly sunflowers, but there's other types of wildflowers here scattered here and there. the trail is along the river which is lovely, and i really enjoy people watching. riding by, i catch a glimpse here and there. a mom playing with her child on the playground, a man quietly celebrating the fish he caught... it feels special being the only witness to moments like these. i do wish the playgrounds in the area had swings though.
oh, i have some good news for once! my sister finally got her deposit back from our previous wretched landlord, and returned my share. it's kind of incredible, every landlord i've ever met has been a deadly combo of greedy, lazy, and with no empathy, but our last two really take the cake. this man in particular seriously ignored every email, every call, every message we ever sent. i don't care how busy you are, that is not how you treat a tenant and i am convinced he was fucking with us on purpose. there's no way he wasn't going on a power trip when after i made it so easy for him to answer a simple question, he called me during jury duty when i wasn't available to answer the phone, and then proceeded to ignore everything afterwards. fuck that guy. i thought we were going to have to take him to small claims court, so i'm glad it's all over with now... it was a beautiful house in a nicer area than where i am now, but it's never worth dealing with someone like that. never met a mf named nathan in my life who wasn't rotten to the core.
my grandpa's been feeling anxious lately, no doubt it's the antibiotic he was on for a month. i had the same effect after 3 rounds in 2023... it's the gut/brain axis, and it's gonna take a while for his gut flora to repair itself. he's already on anxiety meds anyway. hell, sometimes i wonder if i need them myself, especially since going anywhere with him is a cortisol fest. as usual, i'm struggling. how am i supposed to make something out of my life or find the strength to start a path to a halfway decent job when i barely want to be here to begin with? one day at a time.
so yesterday i found out about deadjournal. how have i never heard of this before?? i even had a livejournal, albeit it was simply to gain access to posts and sales on egl on lj and pkmncollectors. i really like the site's presentation and the concept, though this site is a already my "dead journal" i suppose. if i ever stop feeling like maintaining this domain in the future, i guess i can move there instead. as it is, i've only shared the link to this blog to those i feel i can trust.
my grandpa finished his antibiotics as well. i'm so glad i don't have to get up early to do it anymore, and i know he's glad to be done too. the nurse will come by tomorrow to remove his picc line, though i really wish they could have done it this morning at his appointment, which my mom thankfully took him to so i could get a chance to clean his room. after my mom got back, she said "i feel like you don't really get to relax" to which i shrugged. it's obvious, but what can she, or any of us do? at the very least i can unwind by exploring all the new sites that have popped up on the indieweb in the past couple of years or watching anime with my bestie. my grandpa has gotten used to being more dependent on me lately and i get much less support from my mom and sister now that he's done, so whenever i feel overwhelmed or trapped... i stare at his leftover oxycodone prescription hidden away and daydream about my demise. then i try to remind myself i am loved, and go right back to my duties like normal.
now usually i will say "i don't have any dreams anymore, or maybe i never did. i went through my entire adulthood putting my needs second, and i used caring for my grandpa and my depression as an excuse to never bother to pursure anything seriously". but today, i feel like talking about dreams: my dream lolita items! summer international lolita day was last saturday, but most of my friends were out of town and it's not like i could have left to go anywhere anyway, so the day passed by for me without getting to dress up.
i'm lucky that i've been able to collect most of my dream dresses! what these newbie lolitas don't understand is that you can't build your dream wardrobe overnight, you have to be in the fashion for a long time and be patient for listings to pop up. even moreso if you're low income. lolita has never been more accessible than now, so there's really no excuses or reasons to complain. other the tariffs in the usa we're now subjected to, i suppose! actually, to go off on a tanget... i was shocked to see my friends still ordering like it was nothing. since the tariffs began, i've completely stopped importing goods... i simply can't afford to anymore.
i'll start with my high wishlist items and go from there!! originally, i wanted to make a collage, but that feels like too much effort for me right now, so i'm just going to use lolibrary links... anyway, my biggest wishlist item right now and has been for a few years is cherry berry bunny, in pink. at this point, i don't even care which cut. op, either jsk, the skirt... just as long as it's pink. i actually used to own the heart jsk and headbow, but my chest was slightly too fat for it, lol. i would fit into it now, so it pains me every single day that i sold it for such a cheap price, thinking i could find the more forgiving chest ribbon jsk for the same price. it's my biggest lolita regret and it haunts me every day of my life, lol. that era of ap is well sought after now... if i had known then, i would have invested in more pieces i used to see for cheap prices so often, that sell for well above retail now secondhand. it truly was ap's golden age!
now, i'll share my three pipe dream dresses! these are dresses i love so much, i would happily get married in them... but i don't know if i could ever justify spending what they cost. the first and probably most obtainable one is the princess hidden in my memory op, in pink. isn't it gorgeous?? it was love at first sight... but if i had to pick one or the next, i'd definitely pick the strawberry cake dress jsk set from ap. i feel like cupid's arrow struck me the minute i saw this set! but one look at the price tag, and i knew it would most likely never be mine. the final dress in my pipe dream trio is hawase doll, but to tell you the truth, i don't know which color i like the best! the one i'm most drawn to is the completely black colorway, but i feel like that's such a bland pick for the amount of money i'd potentially spend on it.
now for my high wishlist wants! these are more obtainable, but even when a listing does pop up, i don't usually have the spare cash to toss away. these include the usakumya who wants to be a strawberry pochette (my kumakumya is lonely!!). of course, i also want a big usakumya too... maybe that one is more of a pipe dream actually, considering they cost $300 and that's twice as expensive as any stuffed animal i've ever bought even after all the years of collecting. i also want the cutie marine blouse in white x navy, this powder rose jsk or the skirt in pink (i used to own this in black and i sold it very cheaply to an old friend... i regret that too, lol! give it back, you smoked cigarettes in it!), meta's telephone in grey because i love it so much i want to own it in two colors, the jsk version of melty berry princess since i think it'll be much more versatile than my op, the trianon op in black, the midnight dot doll jsk or op as long as it's in red, and the tartan check shoulder ribbon in red. oh, and there's this adorable strawberry jsk by morpho!! i just couldn't justify preordering it, but i hope one day i can join the two friends in my comm and we can triple berry... i don't even know if i want the red one or the pink one, to be honest!
finally, i have my lower tier wants. these are all ones that i haven't decided which colorway or cut i want, or i'm not fussy about it... the first ones that come to my mind are sugar bouquet and milky planet. i know i would want pink for sugar bouquet, but what cut? maybe just the skirt? it's such a beautiful and timeless print. for milky planet, my absolute favorite is the navy jsk, but of course that one never got rereleased. in fact, the mto that most recently released didn't have any of my preferred colorways! more prints that i'm interested in but cannot decide on a cut or colorway are tiara rose, twinkle journey, fantastic dolly, magical painting, and, holy lantern, sweet cream strawberry days, strawberry parlor, plenty of other berry prints, and fancy hospital. sorry, i don't feel like linking to the rest of those, hahaha. there are some other very low priority wants i'd like, but i'm done blogging now. oh, actually!! there's one more... i really want misty sky in lavender. it's funny, it's the piece ap has rereleased the most, along with holy lantern right? but i don't really like any of the cuts, truth be told. it just needs to be lavender... after all, it's the print that's the background of my main site! i feel like that's enough of a requirement for me to obtain it someday.
things are getting a little better. my grandpa will hopefully be done with his antibiotics in a week, and he's been a bit more independent again. i accept things will probably never be the same again. i'm tired, but i don't resent having to take care of my grandpa or anything. in fact, it's the least i can do since he's been the only dad i've had my whole life and refuses my help with the rent.
i do resent how i'm not allowed to feel any sort of negative way about my situation though, not that it's surprising considering i wasn't allowed to express negative feelings growing up either since no one knew how to support me. i don't really see my mom or sister much anymore, but i always tell myself "don't complain" whenever they're here, since i get shut down or ignored anyway. maybe it's cruel but i kept thinking "i'm so not doing this for my mom" anytime i'm particularly winded from my caregiving duties. what i long for my mom and sister to understand the most is... that feeling of dread they get, anticipating something bad to happen, for the other shoe to drop is how i've felt for the past 12 years straight. waking up every day, wondering if today is the day you have to say goodbye forever. it's the perk of living with elderly relatives with a lot of health issues, but i don't regret my choice to stay.
one day, when my grandpa is gone and if i'm somehow still here, i would like to disappear and go low contact with my family. and considering what's going on with bear's family too, and how his sister already had an accident with their brand new car they haven't even made their first payment on... yeah, we agreed we both want to run away from everyone, lol.
let's talk about something happy now! my birthday weekend was really fun, and definitely the best days i've had this year so far. on saturday and sunday my mom and sister both came over in the afternoon so i could go have some fun for once. i'm also grateful my mom agreed to pay for the karaoke room for me, because it ended up being a little more expensive than i thought...
the saturday before my birthday, i went to a lolita tea party! it was hosted by our friend who came back into town for a week. she left the state to go get her master's degree. she is so sweet and i missed her! the theme of the tea party was bears, so we all dressed up in bear ears and brought our kumakumyas. that earl grey lavender tea? so delicious... i really need to find out where it's from.
following the tea party, we went out to the hookah lounge. i didn't feel like smoking, so i just sat with everyone and chatted away while i drew on my ipad. it was so nice... i actually really love drawing when there's company around, i feel like it helps me trudge through the more tedious parts of the creative process a lot easier. after hookah, we went to dinner and then the club! i had heard about this club for a while, but didn't have the chance to go at all. my friend/coworker now djs there with her boyfriend instead of the other goth café/club, so this will be my new go-to spot whenever i feel like clubbing. it's a shame, i really liked that place... but the owner is a jerk so i don't want to support him.
by the time we got to the club, everyone had already changed. i brought a casual change of clothes just in case, but i don't know... i hadn't worn lolita since valentine's day and i just didn't want to take off my coordinate. i think i was the only one not wearing dark colors, which is hilarious considering my wardrobe is 90% black. i had so much fun dancing and i want to go back as soon as i can! i also found out my coworker does a surf rock night at a tiki lounge? i love surf rock!
i stayed out dressed in lolita for about 10 hours that day. the group started dispersing right before midnight, which was fine with me since i knew everyone was tired and wanted to go home, and i was going to see almost everyone again the next day.
on my birthday, i was determined to finish the drawing of travis i was working on... as soon as i was done with my caregiving duties and went to breakfast with with my grandpa, i went right to work and even got to watch a couple of episodes of the boys with friends while i rendered. i did get to finish the piece! did i like the way it came out? not really! but at least i finished it in the timeframe i wanted, which was good because i was so busy the rest of the day, i forgot to post on dad and lost my streak! it's always one day i forget, i swear...
this year, i actually felt like having a party. i hadn't done anything party-like for my birthday since 2019, where i also did karaoke, just on a smaller scale. i planned to rent a room at the arcade, wanted to wear toy parade, and made a flyer instead of going through the fuss of inviting people individually. i wasn't really expecting the turnout! maybe it's because my friends all know i don't usually celebrate my birthday? just with bear. hell, even my grandpa never remembers birthdays and only knew because my mom told him the day before.
everything was pretty much perfect! i got to twin toy parade with my friends (there were 6 of us wearing the same print!), i got scratch the karaoke itch i had for months and sang most of the grandpa rock songs i wanted, i had dinner family style at my favorite chinese restaurant with everyone after karaoke, and i was absolutely spoiled by my loved ones, both online and offline! i truly felt loved that day... thank you everyone who made it happen, especially to my friends who were feeling ill but still dressed up and came to see me.
oh, yes... the best part of my birthday was THE CAKE!!! i noticed the bakery i rediscovered earlier this year when my grandpa started having his health issues offered a biscoff cake. right away, i knew... that's the cake i want for my birthday this year, when i usually want a cheesecake or strawberry shortcake. but then my friend surprised me with another cake: she had a custom travis cake made for me!! i couldn't believe it... i was absolutely losing my mind. both cakes were delicious and i saved travis' face just for me to eat with vanilla ice cream a couple of days later. i just feel really grateful for everything. whenever i have those bad days where i don't feel like being here, i'll try to remind myself that i am loved.
p.s. - i got into another zine!! big big thank you to my raincloud for going to their booth at dokomi and picking up a copy! i want to get my own copy soon. they didn't use my whole collage, but the way it's formatted is so cute!
the days go by slowly, but at the same time i can't believe another week is about to end. it's been difficult. i only get some help from my mom and hardly any from my sister, so it's mostly just my grandpa and i. i can't even leave the house to get groceries or run errands since it takes me a lot longer to do things on public transit.
my mom had to use her lunch yesterday to drop us off at the hospital to get my grandpa's staples taken out. my grandpa has (understandably) been in a grumpy mood, and it puts a damper on us too. i told my mom i didn't really feel like i get to live my life anymore and she snapped and yelled at me to move out then if i'm so unhappy, as if it were that easy. it ruined my whole day and i spent the rest of it crying on and off.
really, it was my fault. i learned from an early age that it's not safe to be vulnerable with my mom and that she won't comfort me. always be alert and pay attention when she's there. you have to be responsive, but don't give her too much information or it can be used against you. and don't be too sullen or you'll be told to stop feeling sorry for yourself. i got an apology later on like usual, but it didn't make me feel any better.
it's the same exact pattern, unchanged from when i was a kid. my mom's always had a reputation for saying things out of turn. to this day, i'm still haunted by her saying grandma wasn't going to heaven when she was about to go into hospice. it's not that i'm not grateful for my mom's help, it just seems like i can't make my peace with her after all.
when i look back on it though, i realize there were some good things that came out of yesterday. first: my main site has been relaunched! i missed being online so much. i tirelessly worked for a week to revamp everything. i didn't put THAT much effort into updating everything since i was starting to lose steam, but i'm just so happy it's back up. then, i watched the basketball game with mi gansita! i've been watching the playoffs this season and it really brought back good memories of watching it with my grandpa. i started watching them at a bar with a different friend, but i couldn't leave last night, so we watched it together and finally got to chat about life and it was so much fun.
oh yeah, my bf has a car finally... his sister had an accident in their dad's mercedes because she wasn't paying attention and the lights took 3k to fix... he was pissed and as punishment, his sister nor my bf can no longer use the car. they desperately needed one. do you know how hard it is to only have two cars for a household of 6? plus me needing rides on occasion? he came back from the dealership late, with bojangles since it just opened up here and it was pretty good.
what else... oh, i have such rotten luck. xavier's myth is rerunning now and i was only a couple of pulls away from the crate, so i thought i could r1 him. how wrong i was! all of my remaining diamonds depleted, and i was left with... a duplicate of a standard xavier card. it felt like a cruel joke. no wonder people ragequit, you can save your diamonds in this game for months only for them to all be sucked away on just a single banner. just awful.
i'm already exhausted... my grandpa got discharged from the hospital last week and it's been rough. he's weak from being in bed for over a week, and he needs antibiotic transfusions twice a day for a month. i already didn't go out much, but now i'm really tethered to being home since someone always needs to be here for him. he had a fall yesterday and that was terrifying. he's ok, i think he just doesn't realize how much rehabilitation his body needs. it must be so frustrating.
i feel lonely and depressed a lot of the time, being stuck here and not even able to ride my bike freely... my mom comes over daily to help which i appreciate, but she's too afraid to do the transfusions so i do them with her assistance. i find myself wishing my sister hadn't left us to live with her boyfriend, but at least she stayed with grandpa almost every night when he was in the hospital. i try to tell myself to take it one day at a time, and that it could always be worse. as is, i'm thankful my grandpa can still use the restroom and dress himself on his own.
oh yeah, i finished reading nana! i enjoyed it a lot, and i accept that we will probably never get a conclusion. i definitely still think it's worth reading and the art is gorgeous. i want to read ai yazawa's other works too, especially gokinjo monogatari! i already long read parakiss, that was actually something i read right out of high school. i really warmed up to shin, he is sooo cute. i still love misato and yasu too.
i hate mother's day, and i hate may. i wish i had never been born, but dying is too much work so i'll just try my best to find enjoyment and happiness in the smallest places, wherever i can pluck it from. like that rain lily from the other day, their fragrance is so calming and nostalgic.
my grandpa has been in the hospital for a week now. i don't know how it happened, but he developed meningitis from his head surgery. i'll spare you all the little details. it's been an incredibly hard and traumatic past seven days for not just my grandpa and i, but all of my family. the good news is that my grandpa is improving and is already talking and walking again. i'm still uneasy about everything, but i'm just grateful he's still here with us. we're all ready for him to home come soon, and i also hope i can give him the care he needs.
hachiware and chiikawa's birthday was on the 1st! i bought them both a slice of cake and sang to them at midnight. it's ridiculous the amount of joy chiikawa has brought me. i've been a fan of nagano ever since i discovered those joke bear line stickers, so chiikawa blowing up is something that makes me really happy. these little creatures never fail to make me smile and ease my heart. i'm excited for the movie!
i've been working a lot on my main site too! the revamped homepage is almost done, and i'm very pleased with it. i still need to update, well... pretty much every page on my site, but i'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself. my goal is to officially reopen again on the 24th with 20 of my original pages. it doesn't need to be completed or perfect, just at least functional so it can grow from there. i can't believe how fast may is going by already...
in other good news, my bike got fixed! it got another flat around the time my grandpa started having his health issues. my mom's husband fixed it up so nicely for me. he is a man of questionable politics, but i will say i've been very grateful for his help this year. i already rode it a couple of times and went on a perilous journey to the trail close to my house. man, what a difference even 5 minutes away by car is! i lived just two streets away from where i am now for 7 years, so i'm used to it... but i really did not miss the severe lack of sidewalks, men who constantly catcall me when i'm commuting or cycling, or aggressive loose dogs everywhere. to reach the trail close by my house, i have to cross the train tracks too which really sucks. it is what it is, right? i'm just glad i can ride again. i felt a part of my soul returning, just like part of my soul also came back when i finally got to work on my dreamland again.
i can't sleep. my grandpa started running a fever today, so i've been fretting over him. all i can do is my best to care for him and keep a watchful eye while he rests. it's a low grade one at least, so i hope it breaks soon... i actually got invited to a concert tonight but i'm glad i ended up deciding not to go since i could tell something was wrong as soon as i got home from work.
i'm really struggling again lately, both mentally and physically. i'm grateful to everyone who has checked up on me or given me kind words while i work through everything. it's silly, but i think about this quote a lot and it helps a bit. i burst into tears again remembering it.
i survived another party week. usually i at least go to see the parade, but i didn't feel like it this year... i didn't want to deal with the noise and the crowds. everything is so expensive too, why bother to go to the fair or the carnival either? i've done it all already, and it's the same thing every year. admittedly, i am craving a funnel cake and a turkey leg, but i'm sure i can get them another time. it was nice to get friday and saturday off thanks to the festivities limiting our working hours though, heh.
on saturday, i went to a lolita meet for the first time since the valentine's day tea party! we had a little movie party to watch nana. it was so hot and muggy that day that i actually ended up changing my outfit plans last minute, but i regret it and wish i had went with my first choice. i originally wanted to wear meta's telephone with my new black rider jacket and my moto boots, but i was worried i would burn up wearing long sleeves and a petticoat, so i switched to a breezier sailor ensemble. still wore those moto boots though! i love them, and they make me sound like a horse when i walk which is probably my favorite feature.
wasn't the decor so adorable?? there was even a takumi piñata to beat up after the movie. admittedly, i had never read nana! for a while i had a rule that i didn't want to read any series that was incomplete, and nana infamously left off on a cliffhanger and will probably never be finished. better late than never! i finished 5 volumes before the meet which ended up being exactly the amount of story the movie covered, so it was perfect! my favorite characters so far are yasu and misato... ren is also nice eye candy, heheh. i know i'm in for a lot of pain as i continue, so i'll tread with caution.
after i came back home after the movie, i browsed the vivienne westwood site dreaming about my first piece... owning anything from them is still a pipe dream for me, but i would really love some jewelry, a nice bag, and my dream item are the red melissa rhs. i wonder if there's a good place online to buy genuine secondhand vw? i guess i could try mercari, but i haven't imported anything at all since the bs tariffs began. it still shocks me to see everyone swallowing the extra fees so easily, i just can't afford to do that at all.
i made a mascot/sona to represent me! i love making mascot characters... i love how much thought you have to put into their designs even though they're seemingly so simple. when a character is simple like that, you have to really concentrate on their proportions because even a small mistake can make them look off-model. i also like seeing the evolution of characters throughout their lifespan! even chiikawa went through a design evolution even if it's a slight one. anyway, i really love the way my sona came out! i never felt like i successfully made a sona until now. i knew i couldn't make her face overly cutesy, but i still wanted her to be cute. she's cake on the inside! half strawberry shortcake, and half banana cream cake. take a slice if you like, it grows back.
i thought i worked early today, but i actually have the closing shift. i'm not in a hurry to go back to work, so i'll take it even though i hate closing and the dreaded clopening i always seem to be scheduled for whenever it's time for me to close. whatever, at least it means i can make a late night/early morning blog right now! i've been wanting to update but my weekend was busy. i think yesterday was my first day off where i actually did nothing for the most part and got to rest at home, especially with this weather. sometimes in april we get some freak cold weather, usually thanks to some heavy rainfall like we've been having. i'm grateful to get to wear long sleeves again one last time before i burn up and drown in my own sweat for 6 months straight.
my grandpa was discharged from the hospital just last week, right before the weekend. my poor grandpa... if they had just taken care of things properly the first time, none of this would have ever happened and my grandpa wouldn't have had to go through all of this again. it's done now, and i pray that this is it and my grandpa can finally fully recover now. we're all just glad he's home and taking it easy. i missed him so much.
on saturday, i went to a karaoke birthday party for my friend! because of the deadly combo of moving and my grandpa's health crisis, i hadn't seen everyone in weeks. let me tell you, friend time was very much needed. i think it was my first time wearing makeup in a month too, hahaha. i didn't feel up to dressing up in lolita but it seems like most of us were on the same wavelength anyway. i even caught one of my friends on her way to the party too on my bus ride over!! that was so nice since i always get nervous heading to new location via public transit. oh, the food at this place was crazy good!! i'm drooling... i want more pork bbq skewers and kwek-kwek please.
even though i was a karaoke birthday party, i feel like we actually didn't get to sing that much? 3 hours is not a long time at all with such a big group! it flew by in a flash. i only got to sing one song, pajama parties no uta which feels so much longer when you're singing it! there were plenty of songs i wanted to sing, but everyone always picks such upbeat party songs and usually the songs i want to sing are more somber... i didn't want to be a vibe killer hahaha. that's ok, i actually decided next month i'll do karaoke again for myself and sing anything and everything i want!
saturday was also sylus' birthday! i was so busy i forgot to get him his own cake! i hope he will forgive me... i did share some cake with him at the karaoke party and then he went dancing with me at the club afterwards! both he and travis were clipped to my cardigan because you know i always have that thang on me. i love how our group overtook the dance floor... this particular club has a shop and every time i go in, it makes me think about how i need to listen to more music!! i love postpunk, dark wave, and new wave, but i only know the more common bands everyone knows, and a few newer ones. it's so frustrating thinking about all the amazing music out there i could be missing out on right now, and not just those genres! i love music!!
finally, my show! i haven't been able to vend for sheesh, since labor day weekend... not only are cons harder to get into now, but not having my own car means i'm very limited on which shows i can sell at too. i hate the car dependency in this country so much, but that's a topic i don't want to get into. it was a small show by my friend's new organization. with this being their first show, the weather, the economy, and other things going on this weekend, i kept my expectations low and had a simple goal. i was only one dollar short of my goal, so i'm gonna call it a success all things considering! i don't think my friend was fully happy with how the show turned out, but we all have to start somewhere right? he invited me to another show next month, but i think my manager is going out of town that weekend unfortunately. after the show we got dessert at this wonderful bakery i recently rediscovered, picked up some jollibee, and marveled at the smiling friends cookies i bought at the show!
before the show, i had to also buy a bunch of supplies that i needed in general. i tried a new paper for my stickers, which i hoped would be much higher quality since i'm not happy with the current material i use for my homemade ones. unfortunately, this paper still has some issues... i guess i really do need to add in the step of laminating all of my stickers. the gloss on this new paper is beautiful, but i'm finding the stickers still get dirty and scuffed when actually in use, though not nearly as much as my regular matte paper. i can't afford to manufacture all of my stickers professionally, so i have to experiment and figure this out before i can begin moving to an independent online store. i did already want to invest in a laminator, i'm just bummed that i'll probably have to add in a step to my sticker making process, and in turn that will make the stickers more expensive too.
oh yes, i celebrated travis' birthday recently!! he doesn't have a canon one. suda is so funny, he said "i'll ask next time i see him" when he was asked to give a birthday date. normally you'd pick a game anniversary, and it would have been cute since most of the anniversaries are near suda's birthday, but i didn't think capricorn or aquarius suited his sun sign! i picked out an aries for his sun sign, and the date is ichi (1) go (5) for strawberry of course, but also suda's name backwards, goichi. i put a lot of thought into it... i'm a little embarrassed, but it makes me really happy. i had to work that day, so before work i set up a quick photoshoot with handmade paper crowns and shared the cakes while we watched an episode of pushing daisies together. i've really been enjoying it!! it's such a cool concept, and admittedly lee pace is cute... i love his character's adorably awkward personality and way of dress.
everyone is having so much fun with tomodachi life... for some reason i thought it was a switch 2 exclusive, but it's not! i decided i'm going to buy it as a present to myself for cleaning and organizing my room, lmfao. as much as i want to buy it now, i absolutely cannot repeat what happened during the last move and never end up fully decorating even after a year, especially now that my room is finally big enough to hold all my junk. it'll give me the motivation i need!! i want to yoom!!
i'm also thinking of giving myself a date to open my main site back up by... my original plan was by may 1st, but we all know how that's been working out so far with all the chaos hahaha. maybe my birthday would be a better date?? i know i can work at my own pace and that's the beauty of being off of nc where all of your updates are put on blast, but i think i work best when i have at least a soft goal to work towards. i want my homepage back already!!
my grandpa just had another procedure... one side of his head swelled and was causing complications, so he had to go back to the hospital. it turns out there was a certain blood vessel they wanted to take care of the first time, but they wanted to wait for him to fully recover before zapping it. it's a problem now, so they're going to prioritize it right away as soon as he gets discharged. i've been so stressed and worried that it caused me to have some gi issues, but i'm feeling alright today.
i actually have my first show of the year next week too! it's my friend's new event organization group so i said yes without hesitating, but now i'm wondering if i should even bother... i already paid the fee, but i still have a couple of days to cancel and get a refund. i don't know. i really miss selling my art at events, and i just got waitlisted from a local con for the 3rd year in a row. i think i'm mostly hesitating because it's an outdoor event lol, and i'm not too fond of those. i've had so much on my mind lately... mostly negative thoughts i don't think i should really blast here. what's another existential crisis, or 20? it's routine at this point. i think it gets worse as i age since i don't have much to show for my years of being on this earth.
in good news, i obtained a dream item! it's the milk cat headband from angelic pretty. isn't it so cute?? i want to wear it out as soon as i can... because of the pure chaos happening in my life these past couple of months, i've had to skip out on quite a few lolita meets and hangouts with my friends now. i haven't worn lolita in... gosh, i think since valentine's day. 2 months without dressing up is way too long for me!
there's so much more i could write, but i think i don't really feel like writing more than this little update. i have so much to do. i need to unpack and organize more, work on my main site, work on my business and begin moving my etsy to a main shop, draw, finish all these birthday gifts, but i also want to relax and watch things, play games, and just be a lazy bum cozy in my room. first world problems, i know!
happy easter! i'm now blogging from my new home! moving day was exhausting, but we were able to get everything transferred by 3pm and i've been slowly unpacking my room in between working for the past few days. i didn't think my sister was going to be able to help us move, but halfway through, she and her boyfriend came to our rescue which i really appreciated, especially since her leaving us is the reason we couldn't afford to live there anymore... my new room is so spacious! there's a lot of things i'll miss of course. there's no doubt in my mind it was the nicest house i've ever lived in. i'll miss the amount of light my old room had, and the ceiling fan. i'll miss the central air and the giant kitchen with plenty of space. i wish i could have utilized our space more, but at least i got to host friendsgiving there last year.
what i'll miss most of all is the easy 5 minute access to my trail and the park though! i rode my bike on that trail as often as i could, near daily. or when my bike was out of commission or it was too late, i'd walk to the park and have a swing or sit in that spinny chair... it was always nice whenever i needed to clear my head. i haven't been able to ride my bike in weeks now, since my bike has a flat and won't keep air... my grandpa is my bike mechanic usually, so maintenance has fallen by the wayside while we help him with his recovery.
my grandpa has been doing well! really the most stressful thing is maintaining his appointments and making sure he has transportation since even if i could drive, i usually work when he has one. thankfully we are getting home care and physical therapy to our house too. so my grandpa is ok for now... but now it's my sister's turn to go to the er. it turns out she had a nasty infection, one so bad that she needed iv antibiotics. i hope she recovers soon too... i may have been upset with her, but i never wanted something like this to happen to her either.
oh yeah, i can finally talk about my akira yamaoka concert experience! i'm actually wearing the shirt i got from the concert right now, heheh. we left in the afternoon and arrived at bear's brother's house since he always lets us spend the night whenever we go to concerts in his city. i wore a simple robbie ensemble! i wanted to represent my favorite little bunny rabbit son. at our stop to buc-ee's though... there was a guy wearing a sh2 shirt who complimented my "roger rabbit" outfit. not gonna lie, i judged him so hard.
getting there was smooth, but we overpaid for parking like crazy! we've never been to this venue before, so it was a lesson learned to get there earlier. raj ramayya was great too! it was a treat getting to see strangers live. i knew he wouldn't have since it's SO niche, but i would have lost my mind if he could have performed here comes the rain. maybe i should have brought my copy of gungrave. "what's that you got there?" he asked someone in the front row, holding up a copy of resident evil. that was funny. what wasn't funny was the loud and obnoxious leon cosplayer in the back of us, who we thankfully escaped by the time akira was up.
i'm sorry to all the people in front of me, but my sleeper silent hill otaku got activated and i was singing along the whole time... those lyrics are baked into me, even after all these years. the feeling of the concert this time was... different. when i saw akira the first time, his performance with mary was so intimate, and it was obvious they had such a deep bond. maybe it's because he's married now, or his relationship with this singer is just different? i don't know, but it made me feel even more grateful that i got the chance to see mary and akira perform together live. akira's suit was so snazzy, and in the end he came out with a cowboy getup!!
the next day, we went to explore our weeb area before coming back home! we go to this spot whenever we can manage to go out of town, though a lot of the shops here are thankfully popping up in my city now too, like daiso. we stopped at kinokuniya and bought snacks from the various food spots in the area. my favorite? our sweet potato taiyaki from a local place, and the ube cheesecake from uncle tetsu!!! oh my gosh, i need one again... i kind of regret not making the trip to chicha san chen since it wasn't too far away. i got to try it during our trip to the lolita popup shop, and i'm still thinking about their tea now. next time for sure!!
a couple of pictures!! my outfit from the concert, plus a shot of akira and esther. when we were going through security i put robbie in my bag and the staff member checking it said "ooh, that's scary" and handed it back to me. my son is not scary!!! rude!!!
